Tuesday, January 31, 2006
MOTHER is a verb!
What is a mother? Who is a mother? In today’s world the answer becomes more and more complicated every day, and battle lines are being drawn even within subcategories of motherhood…as is the case with women who bare a child that is subsequently surrendered for adoption.
Some of these women wish to take back sole claim to the term “mother” with no prefix. They want their children to think of them, and call them Mother, denying the existence of the mother who…well, “mothered” them.
OK, the first dictionary definition of “mother” does contain the word “or” as in: A woman who conceives, gives birth to, or raises and nurtures a child.
But, I contend that if we look at the word as a verb, we need to ask what is it “TO mother” someone? Is it not to nurture, care for, be there for?
No matter how much you hate the fact – when you surrender a child for adoption (“voluntarily” or involuntarily) you abdicated all responsibility of mothering to others. That is a fact. It is reality. It is the only reality your child knows.
To expect your child to negate his/her reality and think of you – popping back into his/he life some 10 or 20 or more years later - is preposterous! To ask of your child to suddenly stop thinking of the “only parents he/she has ever known” all of his/her life as his/her parents is a strange and usual request and puts your child in a loyalty bind that no person should be placed in.
Children who, through their parents re-marriage, suddenly acquire a step parent, will think of and address that person appropriately according the age they are at the time of this addition to their immediate family. Young children will quite naturally think of that person as mother or father, even Mom or Dad. But if their parent remarried when they are an adult, that person will simply be, Jane or Joe, their parent’s spouse.
Our surrendered sons and daughters are our sons and daughters, but we are NOT their mothers, and never will be. That is reality. It is sad, but it is reality. I mourn the loss of not being able to have been my daughter's mother, but I cannot change it by re-naming it, or myself!
Another verb is MUTHA! Find out what ACTIONS you can take to make your mothering an ACTIVE VERB!
If you are already are doing something - share it here! Add a comment - become a member blogger here and post full posts.
Some of these women wish to take back sole claim to the term “mother” with no prefix. They want their children to think of them, and call them Mother, denying the existence of the mother who…well, “mothered” them.
OK, the first dictionary definition of “mother” does contain the word “or” as in: A woman who conceives, gives birth to, or raises and nurtures a child.
But, I contend that if we look at the word as a verb, we need to ask what is it “TO mother” someone? Is it not to nurture, care for, be there for?
No matter how much you hate the fact – when you surrender a child for adoption (“voluntarily” or involuntarily) you abdicated all responsibility of mothering to others. That is a fact. It is reality. It is the only reality your child knows.
To expect your child to negate his/her reality and think of you – popping back into his/he life some 10 or 20 or more years later - is preposterous! To ask of your child to suddenly stop thinking of the “only parents he/she has ever known” all of his/her life as his/her parents is a strange and usual request and puts your child in a loyalty bind that no person should be placed in.
Children who, through their parents re-marriage, suddenly acquire a step parent, will think of and address that person appropriately according the age they are at the time of this addition to their immediate family. Young children will quite naturally think of that person as mother or father, even Mom or Dad. But if their parent remarried when they are an adult, that person will simply be, Jane or Joe, their parent’s spouse.
Our surrendered sons and daughters are our sons and daughters, but we are NOT their mothers, and never will be. That is reality. It is sad, but it is reality. I mourn the loss of not being able to have been my daughter's mother, but I cannot change it by re-naming it, or myself!
Another verb is MUTHA! Find out what ACTIONS you can take to make your mothering an ACTIVE VERB!
If you are already are doing something - share it here! Add a comment - become a member blogger here and post full posts.
# posted by Senior Mom @ 9:34 AM 
