Saturday, May 06, 2006
Adoption Abuse, and Being Exiled?
Yesterday brought LOTS of comments with lots of questions that I will try to get to. I would first like to address Anonymous who commented yesterday to Adoption Langauge and DisUnity, saying that her daughter was “violently abused and emotionally neglected.”
I want to express my sincere an deep regrets to you, and to you daughter, for the abuse she experienced. That is truly awful. You have every right to be very angry. I would like to encourage you to speak out publicly to draw attention to such abuses and help debunk the myth that adoption guarantees a “better life” for our children. The public and especially those considering adoption need to have cases of adoption abuse documented. There is also a great need to document such cases and gather statistics on the percentages of adoptive parents who abuse - and kill – children they have taken to love as their own.
You end your comment by suggesting that: "Exiled Mothers Mobilizing Actively" (EMMA) would be a good alternative name for CUB, if you ask me."
I would think that focusing your energies on some of the areas just suggested would be a far more worthwhile cause for you to peruse than worrying about what names we or our groups are called. Do you think that had you been called Mother and her adoptive mother not, that she would not have experienced such abuse?
In terms of CUB’s name and changing it – are you a member ohttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.giff ? Membership in CUB is $40/year. CUB has branches in several US cities that hold in-person support group meetings. As a member, you also would receive the CUB Communicator, a quarterly newsletter, and the CUB Chat, a more frequent and informal newsletter. We hold an annual retreat each fall, this year it will be in Tampa, FL. on Columbus Day weekend. CUB also has a toll free hotline, and a network of members throughout the nation who are available to be a support resource to anyone who seeks help. Most importantly, as a membership is required to coordinate a CUB support group or hold an office on the board of directors.
Once on the board, you could then propose your suggestion for a name change. Otherwise, it’s kind of like Coke asking Pepsi to change their name. If you prefer Coke, just buy Coke! What I mean by that is, if you prefer the term Exiled Mother – just stick with the group that already exists by that name...a name I, and others, dislike greatly and see no relevance to our situations whatsoever.
The definition of exile is:
1. Enforced removal from one's native country.
2. Self-imposed absence from one's country.
3. The condition or a period of living away from one's native country.
4. One who lives away from one's native country, whether because of expulsion or voluntary absence.
Exiled: To send into exile; banish.
I have not been exiled and I do not see any relevance whatsoever to our situation of having lost children to adoption in this name. In fact, it brings to mind lepers being exiled to a leper colony, not an image I want to bring to my mind or have anyone else relate to me as a birthmother as being a leper! ECH! Very negative, not empowering at all. I have no idea why anyone would want to identify themselves as being exiled, or what it has to do with adoption at all, BUT I recognize anyone's right to be calld whatever they choose, and would just appreciate the same in return.
Again, I want to say how sorry I am that your daughter was abused and also to say that I am happy for both of you that you have been reunited. I was wondering how she old she was when you found her? Hopefully you found her sooner rather than later to spare her as many years of abuse at the hands of her adoptive mother as possible. I know of mothers who found their kids in horrible situations when they were teens and were able to be a real resource for them and regain custody in several cases.
Good luck to you.
Mirah
I want to express my sincere an deep regrets to you, and to you daughter, for the abuse she experienced. That is truly awful. You have every right to be very angry. I would like to encourage you to speak out publicly to draw attention to such abuses and help debunk the myth that adoption guarantees a “better life” for our children. The public and especially those considering adoption need to have cases of adoption abuse documented. There is also a great need to document such cases and gather statistics on the percentages of adoptive parents who abuse - and kill – children they have taken to love as their own.
You end your comment by suggesting that: "Exiled Mothers Mobilizing Actively" (EMMA) would be a good alternative name for CUB, if you ask me."
I would think that focusing your energies on some of the areas just suggested would be a far more worthwhile cause for you to peruse than worrying about what names we or our groups are called. Do you think that had you been called Mother and her adoptive mother not, that she would not have experienced such abuse?
In terms of CUB’s name and changing it – are you a member ohttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.giff ? Membership in CUB is $40/year. CUB has branches in several US cities that hold in-person support group meetings. As a member, you also would receive the CUB Communicator, a quarterly newsletter, and the CUB Chat, a more frequent and informal newsletter. We hold an annual retreat each fall, this year it will be in Tampa, FL. on Columbus Day weekend. CUB also has a toll free hotline, and a network of members throughout the nation who are available to be a support resource to anyone who seeks help. Most importantly, as a membership is required to coordinate a CUB support group or hold an office on the board of directors.
Once on the board, you could then propose your suggestion for a name change. Otherwise, it’s kind of like Coke asking Pepsi to change their name. If you prefer Coke, just buy Coke! What I mean by that is, if you prefer the term Exiled Mother – just stick with the group that already exists by that name...a name I, and others, dislike greatly and see no relevance to our situations whatsoever.
The definition of exile is:
1. Enforced removal from one's native country.
2. Self-imposed absence from one's country.
3. The condition or a period of living away from one's native country.
4. One who lives away from one's native country, whether because of expulsion or voluntary absence.
Exiled: To send into exile; banish.
I have not been exiled and I do not see any relevance whatsoever to our situation of having lost children to adoption in this name. In fact, it brings to mind lepers being exiled to a leper colony, not an image I want to bring to my mind or have anyone else relate to me as a birthmother as being a leper! ECH! Very negative, not empowering at all. I have no idea why anyone would want to identify themselves as being exiled, or what it has to do with adoption at all, BUT I recognize anyone's right to be calld whatever they choose, and would just appreciate the same in return.
Again, I want to say how sorry I am that your daughter was abused and also to say that I am happy for both of you that you have been reunited. I was wondering how she old she was when you found her? Hopefully you found her sooner rather than later to spare her as many years of abuse at the hands of her adoptive mother as possible. I know of mothers who found their kids in horrible situations when they were teens and were able to be a real resource for them and regain custody in several cases.
Good luck to you.
Mirah
# posted by Senior Mom @ 1:48 AM 
