AdopTalk

If you do not sign your comments, how can we know what you have been doing in the realm of adoption reform? When you speak to legislators and others, do you tell them that you are the "only real true mother" and that adoptive parents are not parents at all in any sense? Do you tell that you want adoption abolished, not reformed? if so, you are not helping our cause at all. As to "new ideas" you have not come up with anything that we as angry young women did not think and say years ago. We used to use the slogan "adoption sucks" and even wore tee shirts that said that to a national event in the 80s. There is nothing new under the sun. Learn your history.
 

I think that, ILLEGIT, you are being disrespectful. You are ignoring what strides CUB has made. They have done it with a name that not everyone likes. Maryanne is not being presumptuous about what you have done. She just wants you to understand what she and others have done. She and the others that have fought ahead deserve respect. Something we all need to remember - we need the strength and determination of the past but we also need the fire of the young to persevere. While we are here arguing over a name and what we have/haven't done, how many women have been taking advantage of? Their children ripped out of their arms by the lies of the adoption industry. We are all fighting for the same cause. Get over it please. Instead of arguing over a name, fight the adoption industry. Point your anger towards them. It is them you are truly angry with, right?
 

Well IlIggegit has lots to say, the latest being an very angry rant about arrogance and “assumptions” that she or others are “sitting idly on [their] arse and doing absolutely nothing” to which I ask: What have you done? All we see and here is arguments about name changes. If you or others have done anything where is it discussed? I see no calls for letter writing campaigns on the websites of OriginsUSA or Exiled Mothers. I see no sign of any activism whatsoever – just hysteria over what name you are called, and what adoptive parents are called. I have also read on those websites about ending or abolishing adoption, but have not seen any direct actions suggested toward that goal. If I have missed those links, Please someone, anyone point me to them…
 

Illegit,

It is probably pointless to reply, but I will try. When I wrote about the history of adoption reform I was NOT just reffering to myself or bragging, and I certainly was not talking down to "women", not any more than you have insulted and talked down to Mirah and me and anyone who does not agree with you. That cuts both ways, and this kind of internet communication makes it even harder to be civil and see the other person as a human being like yourself, but with other opinions.The history of adoption reform is not about me but about countless women, Jean Paton, Florence Fisher, BJ Lifton, Marley Greiner, all adoptees, Carol Schaefer, Carole Anderson, Lee Campbell, Lorraine Dusky, and yes, myself and Mirah birthmothers, Carol Gustavson,and Alyce Jenkins, adoptive mothers, just to name a few. Also professionals Annette Baran, Reuben Pannor, Jim Gritter, and Randolph Severson. These people all played a part in the history of adoption reform in the pre-internet era, and we need to know who they are and what they have already done so we can build on that, not invent the wheel over again and again.

I am a woman, about the same age as you, I surrendered in 1968 and have been active in adoption reform groups, pretty much full-time, since 1976. The way I write may be general and sound pedantic to some, but it is not meant as a put-down to you or anyone else. I treat those with respect who treat me with respect. It does go both ways.

I found my son when he was a small child, and contacted him when he was 16. For many years I dealt with silence, then there was a brief email relationship, a wonderful in-person meeting, and now for the past two years silence again. I have three other sons that I raised, am married, worked at various jobs over the years, and I write poetry and do a little art work. That's me, the human being. How about you?

You say you are an adoptee and a mother who surrendered a child. Are you reunited on both sides? Do you have a relationship with your adoptive parents? Good reunion?

You do not like the word birthmother so you have not joined CUB. Fine. Nobody said you had to join. You seem incapbable of understanding that the word birthmother is not what caused all of us to surrender, it was not even in common use in 1964 when you surrendered or in 1968 when I did. And it had not even been heard of in 1946 when your mother surrendered. Why so much focus on a harmless word, when so much else is wrong in the adoption industry!

The era of the most surrenders was BEFORE the common use of the word. If you do not like the word do not use it. It is that simple. You seem almost obsessed by the word itself, the dreaded "B Word". So...call yourself whatever you wish and see how much difference it makes!
 

It helps to know a little about how MaryAnne's surrender went down.

Perhaps someone should ask her how her son was placed for adoption ( she did PLACE him for adoption.)

Her experience with child loss is very different from those of us who were either coerced, or whose children were taken illegally.
It's important to understand this difference. Because of this difference, MaryAnne does not speak for us.
 

Not to answer for MaryAnne, however... there are DEGREES of coercion. MaryAnne and I both lost our children to adoption int he 60's. the era that is described by Rickie Solinger in Wake Up Little Susie. A time when single parenthood was very much frowned upon ans not supported at all. Girls go kicked out of school when they became prgenant, unlike today.

I myself cannot say I was "coerced' in the legal sense of that word, but PRESSURED a great deal and given no othe roptions orr support.

I agree with you that there is a difference. I have boticed that some who post here and write elsewhere use the term, "stolen' to describe their loss of their child to adoption.

If my child had been stolen, kidnapped, or I had been coerced I would have called the police and/or an attorney and used evry legal means to reverse the adotpion. Many women have done that, I've helped some.

It is the more subtle, insideous pressure that is harder in many eays. Those of us who were pressured but did not have our children stolne or kidnapped cannot take the role of inncocnet VICTIM who had our child ripped out out of arms while on a shopping trip to the supermarket, and there is no legal recourse.

We have to recognize and take SOME responsibility for ahving not fought hard enough to keep our childrre, ad live with guilt - even if that guilt is unwarranted becaue in reality there was nothing we could have done. Evelyn Robinson has written about this.

I would like to dialogue more about this because I wonder how much of the diff is in the actual manner of the relinquishment or in the acceptance or not of it, and of SOME resposnibility.

i think few thing sin life are all black and white. Unless it was an actual kidnapping - as described above - short of that, it seems to me that all relinquihsments have shared responsibility and it is a personal issue - that often change sover time - as to how much personal responsibility one feels or accepts, as compared to how much blame is placed on others, and society at large.

For myself, I find balance in most things - even this - brings mental health and peace. I was not solely responsible. My relinquishment did nto occur in a vaccum. The time and palce certainly has its effect on social mores and policies etc. But neither was I an innocent victim of a crime. I did, after all sign papers. Others I have read here say that they did not, and that then is a legal issue. BUT... in time, one needs to pur all thing sinto pespective and holding onto to anger, and remaining a VICTIM, not matter what happeed and how little power you had, are not healthy. Even incest survivors who hold no culpaibility for what happened tot hem seek to move form victim to survivor, because it is healthier.

Letting go of being a victim does not mean that you forgive or forget. I am every bit a strong warrior woman and fighter for adoption change! Probably MUCH MORE SO thna if I sat wrgning my hands saying woe is me ad feeling like a totally innocent victim.
 

anon said:It helps to know a little about how MaryAnne's surrender went down.

Perhaps someone should ask her how her son was placed for adoption ( she did PLACE him for adoption.)

Her experience with child loss is very different from those of us who were either coerced, or whose children were taken illegally.

Well, anon, my surrender went down in a way that may not be so different from you or others or perhaps it is.We each speak for ourselves, I can't speak for you and you cannot speak for me. Each of our stories is valueable, even if they are not exactly alike.

I had wanted to keep my child but was heartbroken that my beloved would not marry me. We were both college students and he was my first love. I would not even discuss adoption so the social worker at the state agency suggested foster care, but neglected to tell me the legal ramifications of getting a child out of foster care once they were in. My son went into foster care at birth, and I had what was then called a nervous breakdown over the loss of my lover and child.

I went home to live with my parents, unable to take care of myself let alone a child at that point. I was seeing an agency appointed therapist who did more harm than good, including prescribing primtive anti-depressants that had awful side effects and did not help.

This went on for a year. I was able to see my son a few times but only when the agency said I could. I had no idea where he was or who the foster parents were nor did I ask. I was pretty much a zombie. My son was getting older and less "adoptable" as the social worker put it. I was still a mess, and afraid that I would never be fit to raise a child. When I asked a lawyer what I needed to do to get my child out of foster care he said I would have to prove I was fit, could support him etc none of which I could prove so i just gave up and signed. The day I signed all I could think of was how I wished I was dead rather than signing that paper. But I did feel I was saving my beautiful baby from my worthless self.

I later found out he was not placed until he was 18 months old, and with people I would never have chosen. I also learned he was not well cared for in foster care. It would have been better had I given him up at birth rather than put him through foster care and then an inferor placement because he was "used goods."

So...was I coerced? Was my son kidnapped or illegally taken or stolen? No. But I was never told I could get welfare, and was never halped in any way to make plans to keep my child. Was I treated well and fairly? No. Neither was my child. But he was not stolen and it was not illegal, just another mother ground up and spit out by the machine.

But I did sign the surrender, and I did not pursue other avenues or assert myself in any way. I am responsible for what I did, for my cowardice and passivity and for giving up, quite literally. Do others bear some responsibility too? Of course, the surrender did not happen in a vacuum. My parents, my boyfriend, the agency, the social workers, the lousy therapist all have their own guilt and responsibility to deal with, just as I do. I know my parents were haunted by it until the day they died.

So...that is my surrender story at least the short form. I was not in a home for unwed mothers, but stayed with a married couple who were friends of my exboyfriend, and took care of their kids. I was sent to the state agency by the Catholic hospital clinic I attended; to this day I do not know why. Is my story so different from others you know? No I did not "place" my son, that was out of my hands. But I did give him up, I signed the papers, and I own that as my own terrible action and my responsibility that forever changed my life and my son's, neither for the better.

If there were anything on earth I could do over, I would go back and walk out of that hospital with my baby, never put him in foster care, never be separated. But that cannot be, so I live with what is, and try to look the future, not live in the past that can never be changed.