Tuesday, September 26, 2006
As I see it...
.....
I never had the luxury of denial after relinquishing my daughter. I tried to numb the pain by self medicating immediately afterward but that was short-lived. As soon as I first heard of adoptees searching for their mothers, I was surprised, but sought to find out everything I could. I found my daughter when she was about ten years old, and immediately began to help others empower themselves and stop being victims. In 1980 I co-founded a national support and search group based in New Jersey. We held monthly meetings and still publish a quarterly newsletter, that at one point was sent to hundreds of mothers nationwide. We let all these women know they were not alone I and did not have to suffer in silence and secrecy.
I, and others, came out very publicly, showing the world the face of a “birthmother” – proving in a very real way that we were NOT faceless, unfeeling incubators or sluts who wanted to abandon our children or who had “forgotten and gone on with our lives.” We channeled our anger – our righteous indignation - into reforming adoption. We showed the world that we were wives, attorneys, mothers, social workers, their sisters. CUB's motto: "Birthmothers Care Forever." Every day we received phone calls from someone who saw us on TV and who said: “I thought I was the only one…” It was gratifying and empowering while still coping with out own personal loss and pain that no reunion can ever heal.
Recently, when encouraging activism on this blog, I received the following anonymous comment: "It is impossible to fight a war with wounded soldiers."
I have never suggested that everyone is immediately ready to come out of the closet running. We each heal at our own pace, and some never are ready to help others. I am saying what has worked for me and many others I know and offering it as a suggestion.
As for wounded helping wounded, however... I personally know the son of a fireman who crushed his ankle in the Twin Towers on 9/11. He got it taped up and INSISTED on going back in to rescue others! And NYC police and firefighters worked side by side - they didn't argue over whose "turf" it was or whose job duty it was!
As I said, we all heal differently. We each had different lives prior to our pregnancy and surrender. Some had horrible, abusive lives, while for others this was the first “bad” thing that ever happened to them. Some were treated far worse by family, boyfriends, and or in homes for unwed mothers than others. We each were at a different point on the continuum from being in control and making a "choice” to place our child for adoption (some as a preference rather than have their mothers raise their child, or to return or school or career) to feeling lack of any options, to being coerced and pressured and/or lied to. In addition, some of us are just stronger or meaker people and handle stress differently. There is no on-size-fits-all generic description of mothers who have surrendered and there is no cookie-cutter “treatment” pattern and certainly no cure.
I have noticed, however certain patterns of differences. There seems to be – not surprisingly - a difference between mothers who surrendered the only child or children they ever had as opposed to those who go on to parent other children. It is harder for a childless mother to understand the situation from the others’ position.
I also sense a great deal more anger from mothers who have "come out" of denial later in life. Perhaps it is just that time has helped others of us heal our wounds. There ARE stages of grief and I suppose being in denial longer changes the remainder of the stages and the process of healing.
I notice another pattern, however. It seems mothers who have come out of denial later in life have a very different mind-set and approach than others of us who were in denial for shorter time or not at all. For the majority of those I have known over the past 30 years who were out of denial since our relinquished child was a teen (or younger), our first and most pressing issue was finding our kids. THEN we focused our anger on the SYSTEM which took our kids and kept our kids second class citizens by denying them the right to their own birthrecords. Yes, we needed to heal and supported one another. I STILL have effects of PTSD to this day, even after all these years. But never until recently have I felt so much anger directed toward one another and much of it seems to be coming from mothers who were in denial longer, some of whom never thought about it at all consciously until they were found.
In the past, I felt far more of a sense of solidarity with one another. Our anger was focused on the problems of adoption. We were not without our differences. Origins was started as opposed to being a CUB branch because we saw it more as an issue that effected women/mothers than CUB and we also supported minor search which CUB did not. We formed our own group, but still worked with and supported CUB. There was conflict within CUB as to whether they should support open records legislation that did not unilaterally allow mothers access. We had many political differences, and yet there was less anger directed toward one another than there seems to be today.
Also less BLAMING or and no desire to seek apologies for what was done to US. As MOTHERS, we all, collectively and individually, put the needs of our kids before our own, no matter how much we suffered in our own pain and loss.
I personally see focusing on what was done to us in the past a waste of energy and a way of maintaining a victim status rather than feeling like one is gaining control and empowerment over one's victimization. But that's just me. We each have to heal and do what's best for us. I dictate to no one.
I also fully appreciate that others are not comfortable with the “b” word and I respect it. BUT...again, I do not see the amount of effort that is going into changing it, and certainly not the level and amount of anger expended ARGUING about it!
I gave birth to my child and UNFORTUNATLEY the fact is that my relationship with my first child was limited to my role of giving her life. Others parented her. That is a fact. A very sad fact, but a fact nonetheless. So calling myself her birthmother does not feel at all insulting to me. It describes my limited role in her life. Again, I speak only for myself personally. I am proud to have given her life and to be related to her by birth. At the same time, I am respectful of others' feelings and feel no need to argue about it.
What was done is done, it cannot be undone. Renaming ourselves or what was done changes nothing for US. To have mothers remain mothers when they are unable or unwilling to parent their child we must change adoption into a form of permanent guardianship.
I would like to see us ALL join forces and fight toward THAT end!
This is not a we/they issue - this is ALL of us! CUB is not doing that either! As I have said here, I do not represent CUB.
Today I read an interesting article in the NY TImes by RICHARD A. FRIEDMAN, M.D.: “Understanding and Empathy Aren’t Enough.” He writes about patients that spend years in therapy, receiving empathy and compassion. He found these patients to be in the same place years later, still BLAMING their sorry lives on their parents or whatever circumstance in their life they chose to pinpoint as the cause of their problems, but taking no responsibility and thus never changing. As a divorced woman I have dated many divorced men who spend their lives BLAMING their ex-wives and never taking an ounce of responsibility for causing the demise of their marital relationship. Such people wallow in their self-misery and never grow, it’s always someone else’s fault. Someone “done them wrong.” It’s a great source of country lyrics but is counterproductive in creating an empowered, self-directed, independent, healthy life.
Healing and actvisism is not an either or for me. I believe that we all need to offer and receive compassion to one another and ourselves. But we also need to reach a point when licking our wounds ALONE is no longer accomplishing anything for us personally, and when we get beyond blaming and misdorecting our anger. Blame and anger are STAGES of loss and grief. They need to be worked THROUGH. That is my wish for all of us. That we work throuhg our pain and direct oru anger against adoption, not one another.
I never had the luxury of denial after relinquishing my daughter. I tried to numb the pain by self medicating immediately afterward but that was short-lived. As soon as I first heard of adoptees searching for their mothers, I was surprised, but sought to find out everything I could. I found my daughter when she was about ten years old, and immediately began to help others empower themselves and stop being victims. In 1980 I co-founded a national support and search group based in New Jersey. We held monthly meetings and still publish a quarterly newsletter, that at one point was sent to hundreds of mothers nationwide. We let all these women know they were not alone I and did not have to suffer in silence and secrecy.
I, and others, came out very publicly, showing the world the face of a “birthmother” – proving in a very real way that we were NOT faceless, unfeeling incubators or sluts who wanted to abandon our children or who had “forgotten and gone on with our lives.” We channeled our anger – our righteous indignation - into reforming adoption. We showed the world that we were wives, attorneys, mothers, social workers, their sisters. CUB's motto: "Birthmothers Care Forever." Every day we received phone calls from someone who saw us on TV and who said: “I thought I was the only one…” It was gratifying and empowering while still coping with out own personal loss and pain that no reunion can ever heal.
Recently, when encouraging activism on this blog, I received the following anonymous comment: "It is impossible to fight a war with wounded soldiers."
I have never suggested that everyone is immediately ready to come out of the closet running. We each heal at our own pace, and some never are ready to help others. I am saying what has worked for me and many others I know and offering it as a suggestion.
As for wounded helping wounded, however... I personally know the son of a fireman who crushed his ankle in the Twin Towers on 9/11. He got it taped up and INSISTED on going back in to rescue others! And NYC police and firefighters worked side by side - they didn't argue over whose "turf" it was or whose job duty it was!
As I said, we all heal differently. We each had different lives prior to our pregnancy and surrender. Some had horrible, abusive lives, while for others this was the first “bad” thing that ever happened to them. Some were treated far worse by family, boyfriends, and or in homes for unwed mothers than others. We each were at a different point on the continuum from being in control and making a "choice” to place our child for adoption (some as a preference rather than have their mothers raise their child, or to return or school or career) to feeling lack of any options, to being coerced and pressured and/or lied to. In addition, some of us are just stronger or meaker people and handle stress differently. There is no on-size-fits-all generic description of mothers who have surrendered and there is no cookie-cutter “treatment” pattern and certainly no cure.
I have noticed, however certain patterns of differences. There seems to be – not surprisingly - a difference between mothers who surrendered the only child or children they ever had as opposed to those who go on to parent other children. It is harder for a childless mother to understand the situation from the others’ position.
I also sense a great deal more anger from mothers who have "come out" of denial later in life. Perhaps it is just that time has helped others of us heal our wounds. There ARE stages of grief and I suppose being in denial longer changes the remainder of the stages and the process of healing.
I notice another pattern, however. It seems mothers who have come out of denial later in life have a very different mind-set and approach than others of us who were in denial for shorter time or not at all. For the majority of those I have known over the past 30 years who were out of denial since our relinquished child was a teen (or younger), our first and most pressing issue was finding our kids. THEN we focused our anger on the SYSTEM which took our kids and kept our kids second class citizens by denying them the right to their own birthrecords. Yes, we needed to heal and supported one another. I STILL have effects of PTSD to this day, even after all these years. But never until recently have I felt so much anger directed toward one another and much of it seems to be coming from mothers who were in denial longer, some of whom never thought about it at all consciously until they were found.
In the past, I felt far more of a sense of solidarity with one another. Our anger was focused on the problems of adoption. We were not without our differences. Origins was started as opposed to being a CUB branch because we saw it more as an issue that effected women/mothers than CUB and we also supported minor search which CUB did not. We formed our own group, but still worked with and supported CUB. There was conflict within CUB as to whether they should support open records legislation that did not unilaterally allow mothers access. We had many political differences, and yet there was less anger directed toward one another than there seems to be today.
Also less BLAMING or and no desire to seek apologies for what was done to US. As MOTHERS, we all, collectively and individually, put the needs of our kids before our own, no matter how much we suffered in our own pain and loss.
I personally see focusing on what was done to us in the past a waste of energy and a way of maintaining a victim status rather than feeling like one is gaining control and empowerment over one's victimization. But that's just me. We each have to heal and do what's best for us. I dictate to no one.
I also fully appreciate that others are not comfortable with the “b” word and I respect it. BUT...again, I do not see the amount of effort that is going into changing it, and certainly not the level and amount of anger expended ARGUING about it!
I gave birth to my child and UNFORTUNATLEY the fact is that my relationship with my first child was limited to my role of giving her life. Others parented her. That is a fact. A very sad fact, but a fact nonetheless. So calling myself her birthmother does not feel at all insulting to me. It describes my limited role in her life. Again, I speak only for myself personally. I am proud to have given her life and to be related to her by birth. At the same time, I am respectful of others' feelings and feel no need to argue about it.
What was done is done, it cannot be undone. Renaming ourselves or what was done changes nothing for US. To have mothers remain mothers when they are unable or unwilling to parent their child we must change adoption into a form of permanent guardianship.
I would like to see us ALL join forces and fight toward THAT end!
This is not a we/they issue - this is ALL of us! CUB is not doing that either! As I have said here, I do not represent CUB.
Today I read an interesting article in the NY TImes by RICHARD A. FRIEDMAN, M.D.: “Understanding and Empathy Aren’t Enough.” He writes about patients that spend years in therapy, receiving empathy and compassion. He found these patients to be in the same place years later, still BLAMING their sorry lives on their parents or whatever circumstance in their life they chose to pinpoint as the cause of their problems, but taking no responsibility and thus never changing. As a divorced woman I have dated many divorced men who spend their lives BLAMING their ex-wives and never taking an ounce of responsibility for causing the demise of their marital relationship. Such people wallow in their self-misery and never grow, it’s always someone else’s fault. Someone “done them wrong.” It’s a great source of country lyrics but is counterproductive in creating an empowered, self-directed, independent, healthy life.
Healing and actvisism is not an either or for me. I believe that we all need to offer and receive compassion to one another and ourselves. But we also need to reach a point when licking our wounds ALONE is no longer accomplishing anything for us personally, and when we get beyond blaming and misdorecting our anger. Blame and anger are STAGES of loss and grief. They need to be worked THROUGH. That is my wish for all of us. That we work throuhg our pain and direct oru anger against adoption, not one another.
# posted by Senior Mom @ 8:30 AM 
Comments:
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You say: also fully appreciate that others are not comfortable with the “b” word and I respect it. BUT...again, I do not see the amount of effort that is going into changing it, and certainly not the level and amount of anger expended ARGUING about it!
The only people who constantly keep bringing it up and arguing are those who are opposed to the mothers who have decided the term no longer defines their experience.
It's almost as if some of the old timers around the adoption community can't stand it and keep poking these women with a stick, putting them in the position to defend why they prefer one term over another now.
That's what so many of you don't get. Those of us who now call ourselves first mothers or just mothers - don't even bring it up. But check out the blogs of those who continue to call us anti adoptions - they go on and on ad nauseum with their indignation.
One other thing. You are totally generalizing and sounding pretty arrogant by implying that many of the mothers who are speaking up today have been or were in denial longer than you were. you don't know that. how can you and others sit behind your computer screen and make these assumptions about women without knowing them.
Just because some of us don't feel the need to constantly bring up what we've done for the past 10, 15, 20 years with respect to adoption activism, don't assume we've been sitting at home in denial. Perhaps we just have better manners than to constantly fling our past involvement into everyone's face every time we wish to make a point.
That's what I hate about some of the old timers - you paint everyone who doesn't agree with you with the same brush. You're cheating only yourself. And, you know what they say about making assumptions - ASS U ME.
The only people who constantly keep bringing it up and arguing are those who are opposed to the mothers who have decided the term no longer defines their experience.
It's almost as if some of the old timers around the adoption community can't stand it and keep poking these women with a stick, putting them in the position to defend why they prefer one term over another now.
That's what so many of you don't get. Those of us who now call ourselves first mothers or just mothers - don't even bring it up. But check out the blogs of those who continue to call us anti adoptions - they go on and on ad nauseum with their indignation.
One other thing. You are totally generalizing and sounding pretty arrogant by implying that many of the mothers who are speaking up today have been or were in denial longer than you were. you don't know that. how can you and others sit behind your computer screen and make these assumptions about women without knowing them.
Just because some of us don't feel the need to constantly bring up what we've done for the past 10, 15, 20 years with respect to adoption activism, don't assume we've been sitting at home in denial. Perhaps we just have better manners than to constantly fling our past involvement into everyone's face every time we wish to make a point.
That's what I hate about some of the old timers - you paint everyone who doesn't agree with you with the same brush. You're cheating only yourself. And, you know what they say about making assumptions - ASS U ME.
# posted by 
: 5:12 AM
: 5:12 AM
"The only people who constantly keep bringing it up and arguing are those who are opposed to the mothers who have decided the term no longer defines their experience."
It takes two to tango - or to tangle!
As I see it, it goes both ways. I checked VERY SPOADICALLY and VERY BRIEFLY at the blog that yeilded over 300 comments....
I think it's a matter of perception.
Conservatives think the NYTimes is fare too liberal and supports Israel and Liberals tink the NY Times is fare to conservative and supports palestine. it's all a matter of perception.
As for WHO STARTED IT, that is yet another childish schoolyard game IMO.
Please do not include ME in any of your generalizations. I form my own independent opinions. I UNDERSTAND where both sides are coming from. When people ATTACKED for their long-held beliefs they become defensive. I'm not saying that's right - I'm saying its predictable.
I also believe very very strongly that the level of hostility is fed by a lack of anyone wanting to DISCUSS the issue in an intelligent manner. Tthose who sent over 300 comments to Bastardette preferred to just name-call. When ever the subject comes up here, I get the same. But when I ask for a sane, civil discusssion or whenever I post asking for PEACE and working together - I get ZIP, NADA, NOTHING. Why is that? Why do all the anonynous posters prefer to argue?
I sometimes poke and prod, yes. I have asked repeatedly if it is just a metter of how people FEEL about themselves, or if it is a political issue. I get no answer. I asked repeatedly if anyone thinks that changing what we are called will change adoption practices - no reply. So I poke and I prod, RESPECTFULLY, to get a reply - in order to UNDERSTAND.
"Those of us who now call ourselves first mothers or just mothers - don't even bring it up"
It gets injected into comments here in reply to many posts here that have little or nothing to do with it.
"You are totally generalizing and sounding pretty arrogant by implying that many of the mothers who are speaking up today have been or were in denial longer than you were. you don't know that. how can you and others sit behind your computer screen and make these assumptions about women without knowing them."
That "assumption" - which I clearly stated was MY PERCEPTION and observation is based on those whom have TOLD me that either directly or on lists that I have been. Why is that arrogant? I also said there is a difference between mothers who have had subsquent kids and those who have not. Is that arrogant of me, too?
Those weho come in anonymously - obviously I have no way of knowing your circumstances unless you choose to tell me, so I am not speaking about YOU or any other anon commenter. I am speaking of my EXPERIENCES with those I HAVE communicated with or read their stories.
Please don't take every thing here personally and so defensively. And pelase refrain from personal judgments like arrogance. I am not attacking you, persoanlly, why do you need to do so to me?
This is a perfect example of "who strated it." Like two kids crying to Mommy....it usually turns out that one actually got physicla first, but it was because of taunting of the other...
I woudl also like to suggest you read, if you are not fmailiar with it already, the stages of grief by defined by Elsabeth Kubler-Ross. It is very easy to obtain on th einternet. These have been reconfirmed over the years. Shock, denial, and anger are early stages of dealign with loss. Whether a death or a limbo los slike ours. To conclude that remaining in one stage for a prolonged time would affect other stages is nto a far-fecthed assumption. It seems pretty obvious to me that it would make a DIFFERENCE in one's approach to things.
I also suggest you read about LDAs Late Discovery Adoptees. there experience is likewise DIFFERENT - very much so - from adoptees who know early on that they are adopted. They are filled with much more anger - somethiems arge - at being deceived, and rightly so.
Denial is a protective mechanism. When it is shattered many people lose the very foundation of their life. For others of us it was never there and so there is a difference.
DIFFERENCE does not imply arrogance either as I did not assign a value of one being better than the other - just DIFFERENT!
Can we stop being so damn defensive, PLEASE! When your walls of defense are up you hear nothing, and leanr nothing. I am 61 and still have LOTS ot learn myself.
It takes two to tango - or to tangle!
As I see it, it goes both ways. I checked VERY SPOADICALLY and VERY BRIEFLY at the blog that yeilded over 300 comments....
I think it's a matter of perception.
Conservatives think the NYTimes is fare too liberal and supports Israel and Liberals tink the NY Times is fare to conservative and supports palestine. it's all a matter of perception.
As for WHO STARTED IT, that is yet another childish schoolyard game IMO.
Please do not include ME in any of your generalizations. I form my own independent opinions. I UNDERSTAND where both sides are coming from. When people ATTACKED for their long-held beliefs they become defensive. I'm not saying that's right - I'm saying its predictable.
I also believe very very strongly that the level of hostility is fed by a lack of anyone wanting to DISCUSS the issue in an intelligent manner. Tthose who sent over 300 comments to Bastardette preferred to just name-call. When ever the subject comes up here, I get the same. But when I ask for a sane, civil discusssion or whenever I post asking for PEACE and working together - I get ZIP, NADA, NOTHING. Why is that? Why do all the anonynous posters prefer to argue?
I sometimes poke and prod, yes. I have asked repeatedly if it is just a metter of how people FEEL about themselves, or if it is a political issue. I get no answer. I asked repeatedly if anyone thinks that changing what we are called will change adoption practices - no reply. So I poke and I prod, RESPECTFULLY, to get a reply - in order to UNDERSTAND.
"Those of us who now call ourselves first mothers or just mothers - don't even bring it up"
It gets injected into comments here in reply to many posts here that have little or nothing to do with it.
"You are totally generalizing and sounding pretty arrogant by implying that many of the mothers who are speaking up today have been or were in denial longer than you were. you don't know that. how can you and others sit behind your computer screen and make these assumptions about women without knowing them."
That "assumption" - which I clearly stated was MY PERCEPTION and observation is based on those whom have TOLD me that either directly or on lists that I have been. Why is that arrogant? I also said there is a difference between mothers who have had subsquent kids and those who have not. Is that arrogant of me, too?
Those weho come in anonymously - obviously I have no way of knowing your circumstances unless you choose to tell me, so I am not speaking about YOU or any other anon commenter. I am speaking of my EXPERIENCES with those I HAVE communicated with or read their stories.
Please don't take every thing here personally and so defensively. And pelase refrain from personal judgments like arrogance. I am not attacking you, persoanlly, why do you need to do so to me?
This is a perfect example of "who strated it." Like two kids crying to Mommy....it usually turns out that one actually got physicla first, but it was because of taunting of the other...
I woudl also like to suggest you read, if you are not fmailiar with it already, the stages of grief by defined by Elsabeth Kubler-Ross. It is very easy to obtain on th einternet. These have been reconfirmed over the years. Shock, denial, and anger are early stages of dealign with loss. Whether a death or a limbo los slike ours. To conclude that remaining in one stage for a prolonged time would affect other stages is nto a far-fecthed assumption. It seems pretty obvious to me that it would make a DIFFERENCE in one's approach to things.
I also suggest you read about LDAs Late Discovery Adoptees. there experience is likewise DIFFERENT - very much so - from adoptees who know early on that they are adopted. They are filled with much more anger - somethiems arge - at being deceived, and rightly so.
Denial is a protective mechanism. When it is shattered many people lose the very foundation of their life. For others of us it was never there and so there is a difference.
DIFFERENCE does not imply arrogance either as I did not assign a value of one being better than the other - just DIFFERENT!
Can we stop being so damn defensive, PLEASE! When your walls of defense are up you hear nothing, and leanr nothing. I am 61 and still have LOTS ot learn myself.
I'm not going to name names, but I was told on an email list that "those of us who have been around" all these many years "did nothing for 30 years" because the person writing didn't even know we existed - and so it was our fault that she had remained in denial for 30 years. She later - in the same post - stated that she had seen reunions on TV but didn't think they applied to her.
THIS is the kind of thing that I have heard and read - not ASSUMED or made up! This BLAMING of everyone else and lack of ability to take responsibility. It is classic of early stages of dealing with grief, which people who have just come out of denial recently are in.
When my daughter took her life, her adoptive mother BLAMED me for making contact with her 20 years prior to her taking her life. In her grief (and perhaps guilt?) she needed to blame someone and I was a likely punching bag.
We ALL blame social workers,"the system" our parents boyfriends, clergy, society -- and they are all IN PART to blame. But healthy resolution also means taking SOME responsibility, and raeching some amount of UNDERSTANDING of why others did what they did.
Lashing out at one another is absolutely, totally useless and mean however....instead of seeing that we have all suffered the same loss, is so counterproductive. We are sisters. We should be supporting one another not fighting.
It is like mothers going to Compassionate Friends - an organization for mothers who survive the death of a child - and arguing over which is worse: to loose an infant at birth or to loose teen in car crash! People in pain do that sometimes because each thinks THEIR pain IS the worse. But the purpose of a support group is to eliminate those differences and see that each of us is suffering, in our own way.
Is it worse to lose a loved one suddenly with no warning, or to watch a loved on suffer with a long illness? They BOTH SUCK!
We have to RECOGNIZE differnece and seek to UNDERSTAND them, without fighting over them.
THIS is the kind of thing that I have heard and read - not ASSUMED or made up! This BLAMING of everyone else and lack of ability to take responsibility. It is classic of early stages of dealing with grief, which people who have just come out of denial recently are in.
When my daughter took her life, her adoptive mother BLAMED me for making contact with her 20 years prior to her taking her life. In her grief (and perhaps guilt?) she needed to blame someone and I was a likely punching bag.
We ALL blame social workers,"the system" our parents boyfriends, clergy, society -- and they are all IN PART to blame. But healthy resolution also means taking SOME responsibility, and raeching some amount of UNDERSTANDING of why others did what they did.
Lashing out at one another is absolutely, totally useless and mean however....instead of seeing that we have all suffered the same loss, is so counterproductive. We are sisters. We should be supporting one another not fighting.
It is like mothers going to Compassionate Friends - an organization for mothers who survive the death of a child - and arguing over which is worse: to loose an infant at birth or to loose teen in car crash! People in pain do that sometimes because each thinks THEIR pain IS the worse. But the purpose of a support group is to eliminate those differences and see that each of us is suffering, in our own way.
Is it worse to lose a loved one suddenly with no warning, or to watch a loved on suffer with a long illness? They BOTH SUCK!
We have to RECOGNIZE differnece and seek to UNDERSTAND them, without fighting over them.
Great article, makes so much sense. Too had only the same people with the same bone to pick are the constant responders to this blog.
# posted by : 10:24 AM
: 10:24 AM
I've said it before and will say it again. With so many anonymous comments, I have no idea if they are all coming from one person or several. I have no idea if this person or people are members of any group or even, for that matter, if they are mothers at all....
What I can say definitively about the anonynous comments on here is that they are all angry, very defebsive, and attacking.
When I posted about the death of my daughter, or my struggles with PTSD and anniversaries and worries about my youngest daughter - I received not one ounce of compassion from one anonymous poster. In fact, I was told that I was "using" my daughter's death for sympathy or to change the subject! How insulting and cruel and mean can people be to one another is beyond me...
The AUDACITY to suggest that someone would use their own daughter's death as a plea for sympathy! It's inhumane in its level of shear meanness. THAT is the height of ARROGANCE!
What I can say definitively about the anonynous comments on here is that they are all angry, very defebsive, and attacking.
When I posted about the death of my daughter, or my struggles with PTSD and anniversaries and worries about my youngest daughter - I received not one ounce of compassion from one anonymous poster. In fact, I was told that I was "using" my daughter's death for sympathy or to change the subject! How insulting and cruel and mean can people be to one another is beyond me...
The AUDACITY to suggest that someone would use their own daughter's death as a plea for sympathy! It's inhumane in its level of shear meanness. THAT is the height of ARROGANCE!
I liked what you wrote. I have come to the conclusion that this name argument is a foolish one. So much energy that is wasted. I don't know if you read the last two entries of my blog. I have decided to put my energy, my pain, and my tears into writing congressional leaders in Indiana, newspapers, and television stations. The stories of parents searching for their kids has even hit the soap operas. Our stories are coming out full blast. Here we have an opportunity for a change now. Lets do that with all this energy. WE can take all of our wounds that hurt and direct that pain, that anger, those tears, at the laws that allow ppl to get away with doing what they are doing. Throwing hurtful names at each other is getting us nowhere. The industry and the lawmakers that support the industry love it when we do this. Status quo remains. No need to do anything. We are fighting viciously amongst ourselves. Sorry you can fight all you want that way. Me I AM GOING AFTER THE LAWS THAT ALLOW ALL OF US TO BE ABUSED, HUMILIATED, AND TORN. I AM SICK OF FEELING HELPLESS AND OUT OF CONTROL OF MY CHOICES. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? I AM TIRED OF STATUS QUO!!!!!!!!!!
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