Friday, January 12, 2007
The Face of Adoption TODAY!
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Two mothers have been in touch with me. There cases are NOT on the front pages like Allison Quets, but their plight to retrieve children taken under duress and fraud is just as poignant.
The first mother "C" writes:
"We filed suit in December and the timeline at this point gives the adoptive parents until January 15 or 20 (depends on mailing times) to respond. The suit is is currently not public record (which is good, especially at this point). I have an extremely strong case now. The adoptive parents did not file the post-adoption contact agreement with the Court when they finalized the adoption, which likely makes the adoption itself invalid (essentially, they lied to the Court about it being an open adoption). Also, they actually admitted in writing (in response to our demand letter to them before we filed suit) that they *never* planned to file it--so we have an admission of intent. I have the strong support of the adoption counselor who handled the adoption; she now believes it was intentional fraud from the very start of our interactions with the adoptive parents. Overall, it's looking very good (though I'm still being very careful in how we handle things)."
The other is fresher still. "H" writes:
" I am 33 years old my son, C.L., was born on August 20, 2006. He is 4 and a half months old. I am in NY but my baby is now in NJ because I was conned into signing a interstate compact form. The date of my relinquishment was November 24, 2006. The father did not relinquish his rights to my knowledge. The attorney I had representing me during the adoption process did not want me to inform the father, who is my ex boyfriend "R". She advised me not to, and said that it would make things messy and that I would regret it. I found out that I signed a paper that I had never seen before which contains a bunch of lies that there was no father, no one who acknowledged the pregnancy ect. This is all untrue. My ex boyfriend, R, knew about the pregnancy full well, we were together the entire time and he did pay for some things. He was with me on the day I gave birth and he visited his son at the Medical center Hospital in NY. Please help me, I am beyond distraught without my son here with me. I need my baby boy back, I'm willing to do whatever it takes, fight as long and hard as I have to and I'm willing to comply fully with any and all that is asked of me. Please help me
A mother in desperation"
I referred "H: to a NJ attorney and told her that she seemed to have a good case of fraud, however, a fight would be lengthy and very expensive.
The face of adoption has changed. The mothers are no longer teenagers. some are married. The promises are different. Shame and secrecy are no longer prized openness is. But the coercion, the pressure, the lies, the fraud, the exploitation of a mother in distress are all still there. Every day.
Every day countless women are being pressured in this manner.
When will it stop? WHAT CAN WE DO TO STOP IT???
Does anyone really believe that talking or writing about our pain - especially the pain of living with secrecy - will change the face of private adoption with baby brokers making millions of dollars with promises of openness to lure women???
Any of us who are able to must stop liking our own scared over old wounds and get back by making a real change! Mothers are changing much more major things in this world! Cindy Sheehan lost her son. he is DEAD - the ULTIMATE loss! yet instead of crying over her son and all the others who died...she is trying to STOP THE ONGOING CARNAGE!! The mothers who started MADD; the mother who got Megan's Law passed so we all now have notification of a sexual predator in our midst did that on behalf of her lost daughter; and the Amber alert was likewise cerated by one single courageous mother who did not let her child's loss be in vain but worked to prevent others from losing their children. These are just a tiny tip of the iceberg of outraged mothers who have made a difference for the FUTURE...for those who come after them...to spare other mothers and their children the same pain and suffering they have felt.
This is OUTRAGE and PAIN turned into real constructive POWER.
We have a huge fight. We have to fight a multi-billion dollar INDUSTRY. It will take many of us fighting together - focused on stopping the MACHINE that is stealing our children! Every journey begins with a single step. You cannot not refuse to TRY just because it seems a daunting task. it IS daunting, but is NOT impossible. The cigarette industry was taken down. We CAN do this!!!
This is the thesis of my soon to be released book, "The Stork Market: America's Multi-Billion Dollar Unregulated Adoption Industry." But as I said, writing about it is NOT ENOUGH! The book is a CALL TO ARMS!! I hope you hear the call and ACT. "C" and "H" and mothers and fathers EVERY DAY are counting on YOU! We need to say NEVER AGAIN and stop merely providing an ambulance at the bottom of the cliff.
Mirah
Two mothers have been in touch with me. There cases are NOT on the front pages like Allison Quets, but their plight to retrieve children taken under duress and fraud is just as poignant.
The first mother "C" writes:
"We filed suit in December and the timeline at this point gives the adoptive parents until January 15 or 20 (depends on mailing times) to respond. The suit is is currently not public record (which is good, especially at this point). I have an extremely strong case now. The adoptive parents did not file the post-adoption contact agreement with the Court when they finalized the adoption, which likely makes the adoption itself invalid (essentially, they lied to the Court about it being an open adoption). Also, they actually admitted in writing (in response to our demand letter to them before we filed suit) that they *never* planned to file it--so we have an admission of intent. I have the strong support of the adoption counselor who handled the adoption; she now believes it was intentional fraud from the very start of our interactions with the adoptive parents. Overall, it's looking very good (though I'm still being very careful in how we handle things)."
The other is fresher still. "H" writes:
" I am 33 years old my son, C.L., was born on August 20, 2006. He is 4 and a half months old. I am in NY but my baby is now in NJ because I was conned into signing a interstate compact form. The date of my relinquishment was November 24, 2006. The father did not relinquish his rights to my knowledge. The attorney I had representing me during the adoption process did not want me to inform the father, who is my ex boyfriend "R". She advised me not to, and said that it would make things messy and that I would regret it. I found out that I signed a paper that I had never seen before which contains a bunch of lies that there was no father, no one who acknowledged the pregnancy ect. This is all untrue. My ex boyfriend, R, knew about the pregnancy full well, we were together the entire time and he did pay for some things. He was with me on the day I gave birth and he visited his son at the Medical center Hospital in NY. Please help me, I am beyond distraught without my son here with me. I need my baby boy back, I'm willing to do whatever it takes, fight as long and hard as I have to and I'm willing to comply fully with any and all that is asked of me. Please help me
A mother in desperation"
I referred "H: to a NJ attorney and told her that she seemed to have a good case of fraud, however, a fight would be lengthy and very expensive.
The face of adoption has changed. The mothers are no longer teenagers. some are married. The promises are different. Shame and secrecy are no longer prized openness is. But the coercion, the pressure, the lies, the fraud, the exploitation of a mother in distress are all still there. Every day.
Every day countless women are being pressured in this manner.
When will it stop? WHAT CAN WE DO TO STOP IT???
Does anyone really believe that talking or writing about our pain - especially the pain of living with secrecy - will change the face of private adoption with baby brokers making millions of dollars with promises of openness to lure women???
Any of us who are able to must stop liking our own scared over old wounds and get back by making a real change! Mothers are changing much more major things in this world! Cindy Sheehan lost her son. he is DEAD - the ULTIMATE loss! yet instead of crying over her son and all the others who died...she is trying to STOP THE ONGOING CARNAGE!! The mothers who started MADD; the mother who got Megan's Law passed so we all now have notification of a sexual predator in our midst did that on behalf of her lost daughter; and the Amber alert was likewise cerated by one single courageous mother who did not let her child's loss be in vain but worked to prevent others from losing their children. These are just a tiny tip of the iceberg of outraged mothers who have made a difference for the FUTURE...for those who come after them...to spare other mothers and their children the same pain and suffering they have felt.
This is OUTRAGE and PAIN turned into real constructive POWER.
We have a huge fight. We have to fight a multi-billion dollar INDUSTRY. It will take many of us fighting together - focused on stopping the MACHINE that is stealing our children! Every journey begins with a single step. You cannot not refuse to TRY just because it seems a daunting task. it IS daunting, but is NOT impossible. The cigarette industry was taken down. We CAN do this!!!
This is the thesis of my soon to be released book, "The Stork Market: America's Multi-Billion Dollar Unregulated Adoption Industry." But as I said, writing about it is NOT ENOUGH! The book is a CALL TO ARMS!! I hope you hear the call and ACT. "C" and "H" and mothers and fathers EVERY DAY are counting on YOU! We need to say NEVER AGAIN and stop merely providing an ambulance at the bottom of the cliff.
Mirah
# posted by Senior Mom @ 10:39 AM 
Comments:
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With intentional fraud at the foundation of this adoption, I believe this natural mother is doing the right thing and agree with her in two respects: 1) This child is in a mentally unhealthy, potentially psychologically damaging environment in living with people who deliberately lied in order to adopt her, and who will likely continue to lie, and 2) I've seen that in the long run, even when return of custody fails, adoptees generally appreciate finding out that a natural parent had fought for their return, when it was possible for them to have done so.
# posted by 
: 12:05 PM
: 12:05 PM
mirah,
did you know that at least in some states there are no Amber Alerts for newborns?
Several years ago I worked on legislation to pass an Amber Alert for newborns law, where I live, because the Amber Alert law here did not cover newborns.
But we do have a Safe Haven law.
So we were very concerned about the newborns who could be "surrendered" to firefighters or medical personnel..after being stolen from their mothers.
And we were concerned about the pregnant women whose babies are taken from their bodies.And the paps who flee with other people's babies...
I was told the reason why there was no Amber Alert for newborns was because "all babies look alike" and there was no way to "describe a newborn."
WOW....
So I testified for the bill...and it passed. I wonder how many other states do not have Amber Alerts for newborns.
did you know that at least in some states there are no Amber Alerts for newborns?
Several years ago I worked on legislation to pass an Amber Alert for newborns law, where I live, because the Amber Alert law here did not cover newborns.
But we do have a Safe Haven law.
So we were very concerned about the newborns who could be "surrendered" to firefighters or medical personnel..after being stolen from their mothers.
And we were concerned about the pregnant women whose babies are taken from their bodies.And the paps who flee with other people's babies...
I was told the reason why there was no Amber Alert for newborns was because "all babies look alike" and there was no way to "describe a newborn."
WOW....
So I testified for the bill...and it passed. I wonder how many other states do not have Amber Alerts for newborns.
# posted by : 12:37 PM
: 12:37 PM
K. Rivet,
No, I had no idea. Newborns are also stolen from hospitals, too!
GOOD FOR YOU that you fought and got legislation changed! There is no limit to what ONE SINGLE DEDICATED person can do! BRAVO!!!
It's people like you that are needed to stop the insanity of money in adoption!!
No, I had no idea. Newborns are also stolen from hospitals, too!
GOOD FOR YOU that you fought and got legislation changed! There is no limit to what ONE SINGLE DEDICATED person can do! BRAVO!!!
It's people like you that are needed to stop the insanity of money in adoption!!
Mary,
I agree with you, to a point.
I think there does come a time when the fight becomes detrimental to the child who feels torn between waring factions and pulled by conflicting loyalties.
There is a wonderful example illustrated in my book. Erik L. Smith, a father in a contested adoption, decided it was in his son's best interest not to be taken from the family he had bonded with even though he had won the right to do so.
Instead, he arranged to have JOINT CUSTODY with the adoptive father.
His son has TWO DADS!
I think that was a decision truly based on the best interest of his son and one King Solomon could not have done a better job with.
It is a tightrope we walk between letting our children that we would fight to the death for them, and yet not letting the fight itself hurt them.
ALSO..in contested adoptions, especially those that are open adoption...there is a huge risk that if you lose your court case to overturn the adoption -- which is (unfortunately) the most likely scenario - then you have angered and frightened the a-parents who will most definitely close the adoption and are likely to move away...this was Allison Quets big fear and it is a real one to consider when considering how far to go in these types of disputes.
These are complication situations. There is no one-size fits all solution. One solution that needs to fought for is to get these cases heard and resokved far more quickly than is currently the case. The custodial parents (the a-parents) will use every delay possible so that often in the end the judge is likely to say that there WAS in fact fraud and the adoption was illegal, but by this time - when the child is now 4-6 YEARS of age - it's in his best to interest to remain where he is. These cases should not be allowed to take years to resolve.
I agree with you, to a point.
I think there does come a time when the fight becomes detrimental to the child who feels torn between waring factions and pulled by conflicting loyalties.
There is a wonderful example illustrated in my book. Erik L. Smith, a father in a contested adoption, decided it was in his son's best interest not to be taken from the family he had bonded with even though he had won the right to do so.
Instead, he arranged to have JOINT CUSTODY with the adoptive father.
His son has TWO DADS!
I think that was a decision truly based on the best interest of his son and one King Solomon could not have done a better job with.
It is a tightrope we walk between letting our children that we would fight to the death for them, and yet not letting the fight itself hurt them.
ALSO..in contested adoptions, especially those that are open adoption...there is a huge risk that if you lose your court case to overturn the adoption -- which is (unfortunately) the most likely scenario - then you have angered and frightened the a-parents who will most definitely close the adoption and are likely to move away...this was Allison Quets big fear and it is a real one to consider when considering how far to go in these types of disputes.
These are complication situations. There is no one-size fits all solution. One solution that needs to fought for is to get these cases heard and resokved far more quickly than is currently the case. The custodial parents (the a-parents) will use every delay possible so that often in the end the judge is likely to say that there WAS in fact fraud and the adoption was illegal, but by this time - when the child is now 4-6 YEARS of age - it's in his best to interest to remain where he is. These cases should not be allowed to take years to resolve.
I agree that there comes a time when a challenge to overturn an adoption can become detrimental to a child if it was prolonged. I don't know how old the child is in the first case mentioned; in the second case the baby is 4 1/2 mos. If the process ends up taking years, I agree that the natural parents will have to take that into account when the outcome is decided.
Now if only they will consider this in ASFA cases where children are removed from parents with established relationships, often only due to poverty (deemed neglect) and taken into adoption, so the state can collect bonuses.
Now if only they will consider this in ASFA cases where children are removed from parents with established relationships, often only due to poverty (deemed neglect) and taken into adoption, so the state can collect bonuses.
# posted by : 5:02 PM
: 5:02 PM
Right, as usual, Mary! It never ceases to amaze me how the state can remove children from "the only parents they've ever known" or move them about from one to another for the stupidest of bureaucratic reasons without considering th best interest of the child. But if the child's mother or father wants them back...
1 - there'd no federal $$ for doing that, and
2 - it might make their orignal decision to remove the child(ren) be questioned or worse...
1 - there'd no federal $$ for doing that, and
2 - it might make their orignal decision to remove the child(ren) be questioned or worse...
Case in point:
http://amyadoptee.blogspot.com/
Hardin County Tennessee
The investigation was triggered by a report by advocates a year ago that found families in that region believed they were treated badly by the system, that their rights were ignored and social workers hastily sought removal of children from homes for so-called "quick trigger adoptions."
"The year-long investigation focused on conduct of state workers in cases where children were removed from their parents -- sometimes permanently -- and placed in adoptive or foster homes."
Just imagine if there were as much public outcry about all of the unsubstantiated and spurious removals of children by child welfare workers - children taken away from the only parents, siblings, families, homes they ever had and knew - as there is in contested adoption cases where the outcry is about an infant "being taken away from the only parents they ever knew" (as if the mother-child bond and 9 mos. of pregancy don't matter) and when so many of these cases started out as a natural parent's attempt to revoke consent when the infant was only hours, days, or weeks old.
I just see it as an irony in child welfare and "best interest of the child" ideology in adoption. (probably one of many).
http://amyadoptee.blogspot.com/
Hardin County Tennessee
The investigation was triggered by a report by advocates a year ago that found families in that region believed they were treated badly by the system, that their rights were ignored and social workers hastily sought removal of children from homes for so-called "quick trigger adoptions."
"The year-long investigation focused on conduct of state workers in cases where children were removed from their parents -- sometimes permanently -- and placed in adoptive or foster homes."
Just imagine if there were as much public outcry about all of the unsubstantiated and spurious removals of children by child welfare workers - children taken away from the only parents, siblings, families, homes they ever had and knew - as there is in contested adoption cases where the outcry is about an infant "being taken away from the only parents they ever knew" (as if the mother-child bond and 9 mos. of pregancy don't matter) and when so many of these cases started out as a natural parent's attempt to revoke consent when the infant was only hours, days, or weeks old.
I just see it as an irony in child welfare and "best interest of the child" ideology in adoption. (probably one of many).
# posted by : 5:41 PM
: 5:41 PM
What they real mean is: Don't take that child away from the ONLY MOTHER who PAID for him!!! It's her PROPERTY!!
No one gives a rats' petuity about kids in foster care -- their mothers were all no good anyhow! Welfare trash!
I just head - not the first time either - of a friend of a friend who adopted 3 siblings from Russia. 3 little girls 2, 4 6. Why couldn't they have taken a sibling group form the US? there are so many of them who need homes that will keep them together!
I guess kids are somehow like wine - imported seems superior to domestic! I don't get it...
Wish they'd outlaw all international adoption, or at least tax it so high that few but Madonna and Jolie could afford it. And let the tax income help families together - like provide subsidies for extended family members to foaster...or to help the kids who "age out" of foster care to NOTHINGNESS -- what a dream, huh??
Instead, they actually give subsidies to those adoption internationally - what a screwed up world!
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No one gives a rats' petuity about kids in foster care -- their mothers were all no good anyhow! Welfare trash!
I just head - not the first time either - of a friend of a friend who adopted 3 siblings from Russia. 3 little girls 2, 4 6. Why couldn't they have taken a sibling group form the US? there are so many of them who need homes that will keep them together!
I guess kids are somehow like wine - imported seems superior to domestic! I don't get it...
Wish they'd outlaw all international adoption, or at least tax it so high that few but Madonna and Jolie could afford it. And let the tax income help families together - like provide subsidies for extended family members to foaster...or to help the kids who "age out" of foster care to NOTHINGNESS -- what a dream, huh??
Instead, they actually give subsidies to those adoption internationally - what a screwed up world!
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