AdopTalk

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Babies Recovered, Mom Arrested
Acting on a tip, authorities have recovered missing North Carolina twins. The babies-- Holly and Tyler Needham-- were found safe in Ottawa, Canada late Friday, December 29, 2006. FBI agents say that the twins are currently in protective custody and their biological mother, who allegedly took the children, is also in custody. Allison Quets is waiting to find out if she will face international kidnapping charges.

Cops: Mom Regretted Adoption
Authorities say that Quets had regretted giving her 17-month-old twins up for adoption. When she went for a brief holiday visit with them, Durham police say she never returned. Now, Quets will be on her way back to the states in police custody.

What will the adoptive parents of these twins tell them some day? We fought your mother's attempts to get you back AND had her arrested? Will they charge her with kidnapping and send her to jail, too?!

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Who's your daddy? That's a good question
Ellen Goodman
The Boston Globe

BOSTON — By now, Mary Cheney must have inspired an entirely new chapter in What to Expect When You're Expecting. Expect your pregnancy to provoke a national controversy.
It's been years since the Vice President's Openly Gay Daughter first created a stir on the right for her sexual preference and a stir on the left for her political preference. Now her "bump," as all celebrity pregnancies are described, is fodder for the sort of uncontrolled food fight that she'll find all too familiar in another year or so.

Her opponents criticize her as a single mommy and one of two mommies. Her pregnancy has been labeled "unconscionable, " "selfish" and "cruel." She and partner Heather Poe have been especially lambasted for bringing a child into the world "without a father." As Robert Knight of the Media Research Center moaned, "I think it's tragic that a child has been conceived with the express purpose of denying it a father."

It should be noted that 37 percent of all American children are now born to unmarried mothers. More to the point, Mary's baby does have a father, at least a genetic father. But have you noticed how little attention or criticism has been directed at the DNA dad?

There are, in essence, two kinds of fathers: known and unknown. The continuum of unknown fathers runs the gamut from the casualness of a one-night stand to the deliberateness of a sperm bank.
I am willing to guess that Mary and Heather chose a sperm bank as their matchmaker since these banks offer their customers — and I do mean customers — a screened set of genes from a diverse portfolio of men. The sperm donors range in height and ethnicity, athletic prowess and SAT scores. Some donors even provide an essay, sort of like a college admissions application.

It's fair to say that the sperm banks overtly promote the importance of the male gene in the creation of a child. And covertly promote the unimportance of the male presence in the raising of a child.

In the beginning, artificial insemination was a treatment for married couples with an infertile husband. Sperm donors — or sperm vendors, as bioethicist George Annas calls the men who sell their genetic material — were often medical students who treated this as casually as a blood donation. The world and the child were expected to regard the husband as the biological father.

Today, about 30,000 babies a year are born from sperm donors. The customers are now likely to be single women who have given up looking for Mr. Right in favor of Donor Right, and lesbians. But the donors are pretty much the same.

"Most of them are young guys trying to make some money and not thinking about the consequences, " says David Plotz, author of The Genius Factory, a book about a famous sperm bank. "They make a donation, it's kept in quarantine, released to someone they don't know, and then a child is created with whom they have no connection."

This makes a perfect market solution: female customers who want children and male manufacturers ready to sell their genetic material without strings or custody suits attached. But sooner or later, the "consequences" grow up and may have a very different opinion.

One person's DNA is another person's "dad." Some children of sperm donors are beginning to search for their biological parents the way that adopted children do. They're using information from sperm bank profiles, from DNA collection sites and donor sibling registries.

There is a growing belief that a child's right to know trumps the parents' right to keep a secret. Britain and the Netherlands have banned anonymous donors. In America, there are now two-tracked sperm banks — one for men who want to be anonymous, one for men willing to be contacted when the children become adults.

We can't ban sperm donation any more than we can ban the fertile one-night stand. We have no reason to keep single women, gay or straight, from the new technology. They can always go back to basics — or turkey basters.

But children, adopted or created, should have the right to find their biological parents — at least when they grow up. It's time to end anonymity. If this gives men second thoughts about creating a child, well, we want men to have second — and third — thoughts. If it puts a damper on the genetic father market, who said that families were markets?

American society is in the midst of a great cultural change.

Increasingly, we expect men to be involved fathers. We want fatherhood to be a commitment and not a donation. Let's stop the food fight over two mommies long enough to ask the question that their child may ponder. Little Cheney-Poe: "Who's your daddy?"

Ellen Goodman writes for The Boston Globe. ellengoodman@ globe.com

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http://www.newsobse rver.com/ 102/story/ 526049.html


Twins Holly and Tyler Needham are missing.
Police suspect birth mom took twins
Stanley B. Chambers Jr., Staff Writer
DURHAM - Police were searching Tuesday for 17-month-old twins they think were taken from their adoptive parents by their biological mother.

Denise Needham, who has custody of the twins with her husband, Kevin, pleaded for their return Tuesday evening. "We're scared to death," she said. "I just want them home safely."

The babies' birth mother, Allison Lee Quets, 49, of 1718 Trailview Lane, had visitation rights to pick up the twins every third weekend and keep them from 6 p.m. Friday to 6 p.m. Sunday. Quets picked them up Friday at the Needhams' Apex home and was scheduled to return Holly and Tyler on Christmas Eve.

About 15 minutes after 6 p.m., there was no sign of Quets, and Denise Needham contacted police.

Quets might be driving a 1998 white Plymouth Voyager with North Carolina tags LRJ-6644 or Florida tags E377HZ, said Durham Police spokeswoman Kammie Michael. Quets could be heading toward Florida, where she previously lived, or Louisville, Ky., where her sister, Gail Quets, and mother live, Michael said.

Investigators were completing a search warrant Tuesday evening to gain access to Quets' phone records, said Durham Police Detective T. Tuck.

The Needhams were scheduled to talk with FBI agents late Tuesday evening, Tuck said.

Trying to get custody

Gail Quets said her mother is suffering from renal failure in an intensive care unit at a Louisville nursing home. Allison Quets wanted her mother to see the twins before she died, Gail Quets said, but Allison Quets never mentioned plans to travel to Kentucky. Gail Quets said she last talked to her sister about a week ago.

Gail Quets also said her sister was trying to regain custody of the twins.

Allison Quets had hyperemesis, a severe form of nausea and vomiting during pregnancy, and became so frail that she worried about being able to take care of her children, her sister said. A friend, through a relative, introduced her to the Needhams, who were interested in adoption.

The Needhams have a teenage daughter and tried unsuccessfully through in vitro fertilization to have more children, Denise Needham said. She would not discuss how they came to know Quets.

Signed away rights

Allison Quets was told she would be involved in the twins' life "just like family" and signed her parental rights away in Florida, Gail Quets said. But Allison Quets had second thoughts about 10 hours after giving up her parental rights.

But, according to www.adopting. org, Florida law allows birth parents to reverse their consent up to three days after signing over parental rights or placement of the child with the new parents, whichever is later. Even after that three-day period, the adoption may be challenged if the court finds that the consent was obtained by fraud or duress.

"I don't know if she ran, but if she did, I understand why because she was very afraid that if she won the appeal, that these people would not return her children," said Gail Quets, who has an adopted son. "She has already spent all of her life savings on legal fees trying to get her children back."

Denise Needham confirmed that Allison Quets has appealed the adoption. She also said she voiced concerns to a judge that Quets might flee with the twins. But the judge thought Quets was not a flight risk, Needham said.

Holly, who has a small freckle on the back of her right hand, has light brown shoulder length curly hair.

Tyler, who has a birth mark on his chest, has short brown hair.

Both have blue eyes and weigh about 23 pounds. Anyone with information about their whereabouts is asked to call 911 or the Durham Police Department at 560-4427.
Stanley B. Chambers Jr. can be reached at 956-2426 or at stan.chambers@ newsobserver. com.

http://www.newsobse rver.com/ 102/story/ 526049.html
Twins and birth mom still missing
By Sarah Ovaska and Eric Ferreri, Staff Writers
DURHAM - Six days after they left for a court-sanctioned weekend visit with their birth mother, 17-month-old Apex twins have yet to be reunited with their adoptive parents.

The FBI is assisting Durham police in the effort to find Tyler Lee and Holly Ann Needham, thought to be with their biological mother, Allison Lee Quets. The three might have headed toward Kentucky, where Quets' ailing mother lives in Louisville, or Quets' former home state of Florida.

The twins' adoptive parents contacted Durham police when Quets failed to return the children, but an alert wasn't issued for more than 24 hours. No Amber Alert went out.

An Amber Alert is part of a high-profile national system designed to find children soon after they are abducted. It is used when children are thought to be in imminent danger and is issued to other law enforcement agencies and distributed to local media.

The adoptive mother, Denise Needham of Apex, said Wednesday that she and her husband, Kevin, had been advised by authorities not to talk publicly about their ordeal.

Quets, 49, who moved from Orlando, Fla., to Durham this year, was trying to regain custody by appealing the adoption, said her sister, Gail. Allison Quets had been sick during her pregnancy and worried about her ability to care for the twins. A mutual friend put the Needhams in contact with Quets, her sister said.

Denise Needham declined to talk Tuesday about the adoption details.

Quets, who was living in an apartment near The Streets at Southpoint shopping center in Durham, had monthly visitation rights, according to public records. She was scheduled to drop the twins off at the mall early Sunday evening but never showed up, prompting the Needhams to call Durham police at 6:24 p.m. about what the police were calling a "child custody dispute."

An off-duty police officer went to Quets' apartment twice that evening but could not find her or the twins. Because the Needhams did not have court documents outlining the custody arrangements, Durham police say, they did not take further action that night.

A police spokeswoman did not say why the department didn't seek an Amber Alert. She referred questions to the FBI.

FBI spokesman Tim Stutheit said the federal agency was assisting Durham police but declined to comment further.

The next day, on Christmas, the Needhams called Apex police at 2:35 p.m. to report the twins as missing, said Apex Police Chief Jack Lewis. Officer Stacy Hale called law enforcement agencies in Kentucky and Florida, as well as his counterparts in Durham, to try to find the children.

The police department is frequently called about visitation issues, which are routine in divorce cases and don't always go smoothly, Lewis said. Within a few hours, he added, it appeared to Hale that the twins' disappearance wasn't ordinary.

At 6:49 p.m. Monday, Apex police reported Tyler Lee and Holly Ann Needham as missing to the National Crime Information Center, a national database. Bulletins went out to emergency communication centers up and down the East Coast, asking police to be on the lookout for Quets, the white Plymouth van she could be driving and the blonde, blue-eyed twins, Lewis said.

The bulletins are not typically as high a priority as Amber Alerts, but they still reach a number of police agencies.

An Amber Alert wouldn't have been appropriate, Lewis said, because the children had been in Quets' care for several days and did not appear to be in imminent or serious danger.

The Apex police turned the case back over to Durham police.

At 8:12 p.m. Monday, shortly after Apex police initiated the East Coast missing persons alert, Denise Needham called the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children. The center coordinates the national Amber Alert system, although an alert was not issued.

The national organization never contacted its North Carolina counterpart, though.

"I would have liked to see it handled in a more timely fashion," said Lois Hogan, the North Carolina center's supervisor.

Hogan said she heard from a Durham police detective at 5:30 p.m. Tuesday. She urged Durham police to contact local media about the missing children, and the police agency sent out a news release at 7:04 p.m. Tuesday.

Despite the FBI's involvement, it was unclear whether word of the missing children had reached all who could help.

As of Wednesday afternoon, the Louisville Police Department had not been contacted, said Alicia Smiley, a department spokeswoman. Quets' mother is seriously ill in a Louisville nursing home, and Quets had mentioned to her sister that she wanted her mother to see the children before the older woman died, Quets' sister said.

In Florida, Highway Patrol Sgt. Jorge Delahoz said Wednesday that his agency knew about the Quets case. He offered a description of the two cars Quets owns -- a silver Acura and a white Plymouth van -- but said he could not release any other information.

Details of the adoption and Quets' appeal were not publicly available Wednesday. In Florida, adoption cases are typically sealed.

Mothers' typical role

Birth mothers who give up their babies for adoption often have some level of involvement in a child's life, said Joe Kroll, executive director of the Minnesota-based North American Council on Adoptable Children.

Usually, that means an annual letter to and from the child or the child's adoptive parents, perhaps with photos. On rare occasions, the birth mother will be a more regular presence in the child's life, attending birthday parties or other significant events, Kroll said.

But it would be "highly unusual" for a birth mother who is appealing an adoption to have regular, unmonitored visitation, Kroll said.

"Those visitations, in a contested adoption, should be supervised," he said.

While the abduction of a child by the birth mother is certainly traumatic for the adoptive parents, it's "rare, rare, rare, rare, rare," Kroll said. "It's prevalent ... in divorce situations."

Sharon Thompson, an adoption attorney in Durham, said Wednesday she was surprised that the birth mother had visitation rights. "Normally, it's usually a total cutoff of the birth parent's rights," she said.

But if the adoption is being appealed, a judge might have decided to allow visitation so the birth mother remains in the children's lives until the matter is settled, she added.

(News researcher Denise Jones contributed to this report.)
Staff writer Sarah Ovaska can be reached at 829-4622 or sovaska@newsobserve r.com.
News researcher Denise Jones contributed to this report.

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Teen dad stakes claim to son he's never seen
By GRACIE BONDS STAPLES
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Published on: 11/15/06

Rashad Head wants to be a father to his infant son.He knows that might not happen, but no one will ever be able to say that he didn't try. The 17-year-old has done everything he was legally required to do. He registered as the baby's father with the state Department of Human Resources, which entitles him to a notice of adoption proceeding. He enlisted an attorney, and five days after Rashad's son was born on July 15, he filed a petition claiming him as his own.And yet Rashad has never seen his son.

Despite his efforts and those of his parents, Geoff and Pam Head of Lawrenceville, Rashad's son, has been placed for adoption out of state.They don't know what'll become of Rashad's son, but the Heads are determined to see a law enacted to ensure what has happened to them won't happen again. They want to create Rashad's Law.

This morning at the Capitol, state Rep. Ron Sailor, the son of the Heads' pastor, will announce his plan to introduce a bill to accomplish that."We want to make sure that if a mother voluntarily relinquishes her rights," Sailor said in an interview, "the father automatically has the next opportunity to assume responsibility for a child."The father of the baby's mother ˜

Rashad's former girlfriend ˜ referred inquiries to their attorney."I can't respond," said Ruth Clairborne, who represents the baby's mother and her family.Just days after Rashad's ex-girlfriend gave birth, the Heads say an adoption agency called Rashad's father, Geoff Head, requesting consent to let his grandson be adopted.Geoff Head refused.He believes in being responsible, in taking care of his own.That's what he's tried to do. It's what he's taught his son to do.From the moment Rashad learned his girlfriend was pregnant, he has stood by her. When they told their parents, the Heads supported Rashad."What we did was a mistake, but I don't look at my son as a mistake," Rashad said.

"I don't ever want him to feel he doesn't have a real place in this world."Rashad Head is junior at Collins Hill High School in Suwanee. He's a good student, a football cornerback and wide receiver for the Collins Hill Eagles.He met the mother of his son at school. They dated for almost two years. Their parents were friends.Last November, she discovered she was pregnant.In December, they exchanged promise rings.In May, the two of them broke the news about the pregnancy to their parents.Shortly thereafter, Rashad and his mother, Pam Head, met with the pregnant teen and her mother. The teen and her mother wanted to place the baby for adoption.

The Heads, though, maintained hope.They turned a guest bedroom into a nursery. Rashad assembled the crib he had purchased, then headed to football camp.When Rashad returned, his son was gone, and his ex-girlfriend's family refused to talk to him. Not only does he not know where his son is, the courts have rejected his attempts to find out.His attorney, Leslie Gresham has taken the case pro bono.Gresham said women have long had the right to get an abortion or to have and raise a child without informing the father. But when mothers choose adoption, courts have increasingly recognized fathers' rights.

Once a father's paternity is established, "it's not a question of whether he can provide for the baby better than the adoptive parents," said Lynn M. Swank, a Jonesboro-based adoption expert and a member of the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys. "It's a legal question first of biology, and second they would have to prove him unfit. That's been the law in this state since ... 1976."Swank said that even if the father hasn't registered with the state, and even if he is unknown, biological fathers are entitled to the same due process as any other individual whose life and liberty are being taken by the government."If we were talking about an emergency custody issue between two parents divorcing,'' she said, "the court would hold an emergency hearing."In this case, because the adoptive parents have the child, the court is infringing on this young man's status by not allowing him to assert his claim," Swank said.



http://www.11alive.com/news/news_article.aspx?storyid=89483

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Ricky Holland's siblings face long therapy

Judge revokes mother's parental rights

December 19, 2006

BY JACK KRESNAK


Lisa and Tim Holland, convicted of murdering Ricky Holland, left, have lost or given up parental rights to his four siblings.

LANSING -- The four siblings of Ricky Holland, the former foster child murdered by Tim and Lisa Holland in 2005, were traumatized by Ricky's death and the destruction of their family, a state social worker told an Ingham County Family Court judge on Monday.

The children -- boys ages 4 and 3 and girls 4 and 2 -- will require therapy for the foreseeable future "due to the amount of emotional issues the children have experienced," Robert Payne, a foster care worker for the Ingham County Department of Human Services, testified.

"There is no end in sight at this time," Payne said of the DHS-funded therapy the children get twice a week.

Payne testified during a trial Monday before Judge Janelle Lawless, who then terminated Lisa Holland's parental rights to Ricky's four siblings.

Earlier in the day, Tim Holland voluntarily surrendered his rights.

Lisa Holland, who will turn 34 this week, was convicted by a jury of first-degree murder and first-degree child abuse in the death of 7-year-old Ricky and is serving a life sentence with no chance of parole.

Tim Holland, 37, pleaded guilty to second-degree murder, testified against his wife and was sentenced to 30-60 years in prison.

The Hollands adopted Ricky after taking him in as a foster child.

Payne told the judge that the four Holland children are angry that they do not live with their parents and still grieve for Ricky, who died in the family's home outside Williamston. Two paternal aunts are caring for them.

"They experienced or saw a great deal of physical and emotional abuse in the home," Payne said, though Lawless struck the statement from the record because of an objection from Lisa Holland's attorney, Michael Nichols.

Nichols' arguments to not terminate Lisa Holland's parental rights were that the children should still know that their mother cares for them and that, if she wins an appeal of her convictions, she possibly could provide them a home someday.

Nichols gave Lawless a transcript of a portion of a statement Lisa Holland gave Ingham County sheriff's deputies on Jan. 26 in which she repeatedly expressed concern about the children's welfare and caretakers.

But, Lawless said, "The children not only need but they deserve to have a safe, proper and loving home. Miss Holland clearly cannot provide that."

The judge said there is a bond between Lisa and the children, but not necessarily a healthy one, and the children should not have to wait too long for a permanent home.

The children are in the legal custody of the Michigan Children's Institute, a division of the DHS, awaiting adoption planning and approval. No adoption is yet pending.



Ricky's mom seeks body

Birth mother wants to bury boy state says was victim of murder

Karen Bouffard / The Detroit News

"I loved him," says birth mom Casey Jo Caswell, who was 16 with a ninth-grade education when she gave birth to Ricky. See full image


MASON -- The Ingham County medical examiner doesn't know exactly what killed Ricky Holland, but he knows that it was murder.

Which makes Casey Jo Caswell, the 7-year-old boy's birth mother, even more determined to reclaim the remains of her child -- whom prosecutors say was killed by his adoptive parents -- and give him a decent burial.

Ingham County Medical Examiner Dean Sienko released the results of Ricky's autopsy Tuesday in Lansing, at the same time as the preliminary hearing was under way in nearby Mason for Tim Holland, 36, and Lisa Holland, 34, who adopted Ricky in 2003.

While some relatives have phoned the medical examiner's office inquiring about Ricky's remains, according to Sienko, Caswell is the only relative so far to step forward with a formal request to claim them. Sienko said he cannot release Ricky's body to anyone until he determines the legal next of kin, which is a complicated issue.

"I asked, 'Please, can I get the remains so he can get what he deserves, instead of getting buried by a family that (allegedly) killed him?' " said Caswell, of Lansing, who was a 16-year-old with a ninth-grade education when she gave birth to Ricky. Child protective services workers took Ricky -- who was 3 -- because she was unable to care for him.

"I loved him," said Caswell, now 25.

Court overturns adoption

OMAHA, Neb. (AP) -- The Nebraska Supreme Court on Friday overturned the adoption of a 7-year-old boy by his stepfather, ruling that a lower court erred in saying that the consent of the boy's biological father was not needed.

The boy, identified in court records as Jaden M., was born to Tracey L. and Brian H. in July 1999. The two were not married.

At issue in the court case was Brian's failure to object to the adoption within five days of being notified, and his failure to claim paternity of the boy and file notice with the state within 30 days of the boy's birth.

Because state law says a man who claims paternity but does not take those steps can't block an adoption, the Lancaster County Court determined that the consent of the man wasn't needed.

The adoption was granted to Tracey's new husband, Ronald L., in December 2005.

But in 2002, a district court judge had determined that Brian was Jaden's biological father, ordered weekly and holiday visitation for Brian, and ordered Brian to pay child support.

So the state Supreme Court ruled Friday that the steps Brian didn't take, including not filing a paternity claim or objecting to the adoption, weren't necessary, because his paternity is not just claimed, it's proven.

Applying the law requiring those steps in this case "infringes upon Brian's constitutionally protected parental rights.

"Because he has provided support and established familial ties with his biological child, his interest in personal contact with his child has acquired substantial protection," according to the ruling.

The stepfather and mother needed Brian's consent, but did not have it, the high court said in overturning the adoption.

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On Christmas day I read a story that went like this:

Judge's gavel is 'amen' to family's adoption of Bible-toting toddler

By JOSHUA BOAK
BLADE STAFF WRITER

"The 2 1/2-year-old carries a small Bible, a worn book of rounded corners and tattered pages littered with his drawings.

"Some children cradle a blanket at night. Kassani sleeps with a King James translation. Though unable to read, he wants a new "bubble" for Christmas.

"Kassani likes Mickey Mouse, chicken wings, broccoli, and Thomas the Tank Engine. If he is thirsty enough, Kassani does more than drink apple juice: He wears it on his T-shirt.

"When Kassani arrived last June at the caramel-colored house in West Toledo, he instantly called Jolan and Heather Hardiman "Daddy" and "Mommy."

"Those were among the only words he knew. Every man was a "Daddy." Each woman, a "Mommy."

But Kassani was no one's child until last week. The Hard-
imans finalized the adoption in Lucas County Probate Court on Dec. 21, ending a yearlong process and embarking on a forever commitment to a piston-legged boy with still eyes."

Please join me in writing letters explaining that every child is someone's child! Even Jesus Christ - immaculately conceived - had an very human earthly parent.

Language like this both expresses and proliferates the illusion of adoption rescuing parentless children and adoptive parents becoming "the only parents" instead of
what they are - caretakers for another's child. It invalidates reality for the child and the adoptive parents who need to accept that they are taking into their heart and home a child with a heritage, not one dropped from the sky.

One can only hope that this child's placement is "forever." The National Adoption Information Clearinghouse estimated in 2004 that 10 to 25% of so-called “forever families” are, in fact, not permanent.

The author can be reached at: jboak@theblade.com

LETTERS
letters@theblade.com

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Iowa governor gets lead on birth mother
By Mike Glover
Associated Press
Published December 23, 2006

JOHNSTON, Iowa -- Gov. Tom Vilsack said he has received a letter with details of his birth that could help him track down his birth mother.

Vilsack, who has been open about his adoption in Pittsburgh, said he has not decided what to do with the information and will ponder the matter over the holidays.
"You have to have time to think about things like this," Vilsack said Friday after the taping of a public affairs show on Iowa Public Television. "This is a decision nobody else can make."

The matter could focus greater attention on Vilsack's personal history as he prepares to leave the governor's office and pursue the Democratic presidential nomination.
Vilsack, 56, was adopted shortly after birth and has spoken of growing up in a family where his adoptive mother struggled with alcoholism and his adoptive father had financial setbacks. He has used his past as an example of rising above adversity, but the latest development could add detail to the story.
He said the letter arrived at his presidential campaign offices in Des Moines and he almost discarded it, thinking it was yet another holiday solicitation.
"You get a lot of solicitations this time of year," Vilsack said.
Instead, he opened it and read a letter from a nun who had served at a home for unwed mothers.

"It was a place for young women to go to have their babies and then decide whether to leave them there," Vilsack said.
Vilsack's mother decided to leave her son at the home.
In the letter, the nun told Vilsack that the records of his birth still were available should he choose to find out details.
Vilsack said his adoptive mother had told him the records were destroyed by fire, probably as a way of protecting him from the past. Despite knowing nothing about his parents, Vilsack said he never has been haunted by questions about his past.
But he acknowledged that learning about his family history could be useful for medical reasons.

The choice has left him conflicted.
"You have loyalty to the family who raised you," said Vilsack, whose adoptive parents have died.

Copyright © 2006, Chicago Tribune

Help him end his conflict! Write a letter to your local paper and let them know that Vilsack and all adoptees deserve more than just their medical information. Point out how he was "misled" to believe that his records were destroyed, as many adoptees are lied to and misinformed about their rights.

Point out the likely it was not exactly his mother's "decision" to relinquish and how proud she would be to know him. If the nun contacted him, it is very likely that his mother has been in contact with the agency and signed a release.

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Reproductive technologies have reached new depths. A recent study reported in the medical journal Fertility and Sterility, found that three percent of infertility clinics surveyed would actually create a baby with defects to match their parents at their request.

The study has been reported by Associated Press in and article entitled: ‘Designer’ babies with made-to-order defects? Prenatal testing creates controversial options for parents with disabilities

The article discusses the ethical issues of parents wanting a dwarf or deaf child - like themselves - because they do not see it as a disability. Issued raised are: where are the limits? what is normal? and, who is to judge?

What was not mentioned is playing God and the need of parents to have a child in their likeness. Why not simply clone oneself? I guess they would if it were possible. I may sound cruel, but I think these people need some serious therapy to be able to see their children as separate individuals with the God-given right to a full life, not genetically engineered to "match" their parents. How will their children feel knowing this was done to them INTENTIONALLY? Do any of these parents think that far? Does anyone?

I recently had an email conversation with a woman named Wendy who heads up the email list for sperm donor kids who want to seek their sibs and fathers. She wanted me to take on their cause and write about it, as I do about adoption. She felt victimized. I asked her if she ever thought how her child would feel about all of this when she was planning aritificial insemination? She said that "at the time" she was told it was "best" not to tell her children. They'd never know and no one would be the wiser.

I think the problems of adoption and reproductive technologies go way beyond those two unique niches of becoming a parent. They go to the root of what parenting a child is all about. They go to the root of child rights. And they go the root of a nation in which consumerism is run amok and out of control. A nation that believes that money can buy us anything we want...a house, a car, and child - even one that looks a certain way!

Children in our culture are seen as POSSESSIONS, not human beings with individual rights. No one planning to have a child can conceive of the child of their dreams growing into an independent human being. Children are an abstract until they are actually here. Then, as they grow, we begin to worry...what will they think of me? Will they like me? Am I a good parent?

But if we have used some odd means of obtaining that child in the first place, it's too late to think of those things AFTERWARD!

What is startling is that teens and indigent women who get pregnant are classified as selfish, not able to see the long-term reality of raising a child...just wanting a baby to love THEM. And yet, full grown adults, responsible in other areas of their lives, do just that: create or obtain a baby to love THEM! And, it's socially acceptable! Why? One simple reason: they have the money to pay for it and our culture if you can afford, it's yours! Even if the "it" is a human being!

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"Potential problems put them off adopting an American child: the fear that birth relatives would want contact or worse, to back out of the adoption. So Danial, 30, and Vicky, 29 decided to take their search abroad, a choice increasing numbers of American parents are making. Last year, Americans adopted 22,700 foreign-born children, three times as many as 15 years ago, according to the U.S. Department of State."

Continued a Oregonlive.com

REPLY TO: letters@news.oregonian.com

MY REPLY:

Danial and Vicky Taylor’s (An Aloha family grows through love, adoption, Dec. 21, 2006) adoption of 3 siblings is heartwarming. Those who find it in their heart to take in not one, but an entire family of siblings, are indeed kind-hearted, good natured people.

Adoption is about caring for orphans and children who have no family able to care for them. There are half a million American children in foster care, 143,000 of whom can never be reunited with their families. These are the “orphans” the bible speaks about caring about. The same bible that also asks us to be kind to widows – which any of these children’s mothers might be...instead of being afraid of them.

It is very sad that the good of any adoption would be spoiled by “fear that birth relatives would want contact or worse, to back out of the adoption” instead of being truly about the best needs of the child(ren). The parents of children in foster care who can be adopted have already had their parental rights terminated and cannot “back out of the adoption” - a cruel phrase for a parent being able to parent their own child. It is, however, in every child’s best interest to maintain a relationships with members of their original family.

Adoption is about caring for a child – not possessing them and not putting them in a loyalty bind, or made to feel ashamed of their genetic heritage.

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Angelina Jolie has slammed Madonna's recent adoption of a Malawian boy, insisting that the pop star should have adopted a child from a country in which there was a precedent.

According to New magazine, a British publication, Angelina was not impressed by Madonna's decision to adopt a child from Malawi. She said, "Madonna knows very well that she adopted from a country without legal adoption, so it was an unusual situation."


Jolie and her boyfriend, Brad Pitt, are also the parents of an adopted African child, daughter Zahara Marley. Jolie and Pitt however, chose a country - Ethiopia - where adoption of children from outside the country was not uncommon. When asked if she expected to deal with the type of media backlash that Madonna experienced should she adopt again, Angelina said, "I don't anticipate that being a problem for me because I don't intend to adopt a child from a country where there is no legal adoption."

Seems Angelina has a short memory. She seems to have forgotten the furor over her adoption of Maddox when it was reported he might not be an orphan whose mother had died, but rather may have been sold by his birth mother in a desperate attempt to escape a poverty-stricken life. The actress allegedly said: “I will never give my little boy back. I’ve given him a home, I’ve given him love and he’s mine.”

The FBI closed down Seattle International Adoptions Inc., used by Jolie to adopt Maddox, after its former owner Lynn Devin pleaded guilty to false claims that some children the agency handled were orphans.

She who lives in a glass fishbowl, might think twice about throwing stones...

Meanwhile, MADONNA and GUY RITCHIE's marriage will fail if they adopt another child, according to the film director's father.

The MATERIAL GIRL is reportedly looking to adopt a baby girl to add to her three-strong brood, but Ritchie's father JOHN believes the extra pressure could seriously threaten the couple's relationship.

John insists son Guy is a perfect father to LOURDES, ten, ROCCO, six, and Malawian DAVID BANDA, one - but admits the couple are going through a difficult patch.
He says, "They've had a difficult time. (David) is beautiful and Guy is very good with him. But I don't think he'd want to adopt again."

Ritchie and Madonna reportedly were fighting in public recently, with Ritchie calling Madonna too controlling! Imagine that!

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Government agencies, Social workers, judges they all make decisions on what is in the BEST interest of Children ... decisions which often determine their destiny.
Sadly, when the wrong decisions are made - Children are murdered!
They are beaten, tortured, sexually assaulted and murdered.

Who is responsible ?
The One making the decisions!
WE are asking for justice ... for Help!


Help never came for Angellika Nicole Arndt , Isaac Lethbridge,Daniel Jack Matthews, Ricky Holland, Christopher Michael, Sirita Sotelo, Nicholas Contreras, Sarah Angelina Chavez, Martin Lee Anderson,Ebony Smith,Kayla Allen,Candice Raynor......and sadly many, many more but perhaps one day justice will come for them all. For these children, it's too late to turn back the hands of time. May the spirits of those lost rest in peace and may we never forget or ignore what happened to them.

Government agencies, Social workers, judges they all make decisions on what is in the BEST interest of Children ... decisions which often determine their destiny.

In The Name of Those Children
We are asking For:
-Victims of Child Welfare Memorial Day-
to remember those who have died as a result of Child Welfare in their lives. -

Take Action Send Citizen Request To: The White House


http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/986173347


http://suncanaa.com/in_memory_




"When will justice come? When those who are not injured become as indignant as those who are." -Leon Tolstoy

Please spread the word and forward this email to your friends and family members.

# posted by Senior Mom @ 10:20 AM 0 comments

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U.S.Giving Troubled Families a Say in What’s Best for the Children

A mother, Misty, left, and her children met with social service workers in McMinnville, Tenn., to discuss custody of her children.

By LYNETTE CLEMETSON
Published: December 16, 2006
McMINNVILLE, Tenn. — In an effort to correct dysfunctional foster care systems, a growing number of child welfare agencies around the country are reaching outside their ranks to involve troubled families and the people in their lives in wrenching decisions about where endangered children should live.

Social workers from the Tennessee Department of Children’s Services are part of the team approach to resolving Misty’s child welfare case. Some agencies find that by enlisting help from grandparents, church members, school counselors and sports coaches, they can reach faster, safer and more lasting decisions that result in fewer children languishing in foster care. Under the practice, known as team decision making, a group is assembled within 24 to 48 hours after a state agency is called into a crisis situation.
Programs exist in at least 21 states. Indiana, Michigan and Tennessee have adopted the team-approach statewide, while other programs are run at the county level. Officials in Denver County, Colo., credit the team approach for a 32 percent drop in out-of-home placements since 2002. In Cuyahoga County, Ohio, the program has reduced the number of children in foster care by more than half since 2001. Tennessee has reduced the number of children in state care by more than 1,000 since March 2004, when there were 10,600 in the system.
Methods differ, but the philosophy is the same: that even families under scrutiny from state agencies can help make positive decisions for their children.
Some advocates for children say the strategy gives negligent parents too much sway. But many child welfare officials believe the team process works.
Historically, “agencies called all the shots and told families everything that was wrong with them,” said

Viola P. Miller, commissioner of the Tennessee Department of Children’s Services, who instituted her state’s new model.
“But kids don’t exist in isolation,” Ms. Miller said. “If we are really going to keep families safe, we need to do that in the context of communities and family.”
In this rural outpost between Nashville and Knoxville, 12 people gathered recently to decide whether Misty N., a 26-year-old single mother of four, whose children were taken into state custody last February, deserved to get them back.
“Let’s start by acknowledging Misty’s strengths,” said Carrie McCrary, a group facilitator with the state, welcoming “Misty’s team.” The group included Misty, her mother, the children’s court-appointed guardian, a local Head Start coordinator, her older children’s school psychologist and several social workers. One by one they offered affirmations.
Misty (who asked that her family members’ last names be withheld to protect their privacy) had moved from a homeless shelter into a two-bedroom trailer with her mother. Though Misty has mild retardation, she was absorbing newly learned parenting skills, yelling at her children less and offering more positive reinforcement. She was also providing nutritious food during visits with her children.
And it was clear, everyone agreed, that she loved her children: Ramon, 6; Domiann, 5; Roberto, 4, and Pedro, 2.
“We need to talk about the sex offenders,” Rachel Kirby, the children’s court-appointed guardian, said, shattering the mood.
Misty had been living with a sex offender when her children were taken away. She had a brief involvement with another.
“We just need to be clear,” Ms. Kirby said to Misty. “When you’re standing in court, if there is a sexual offender in the home, that throws all the other good work out the window.”
Around the country, where similar strategies are in place, a group can meet for as long as two years, helping social workers assess whether families can be reunited or whether children should be moved toward adoption or legal guardianship, with relatives or an outside family. Groups sometimes continue to meet after a placement to monitor children’s progress.
Child welfare agencies maintain ultimate power of approval, but deference is given to the collective wisdom and recommendation of the team.
No comprehensive long-term studies have been conducted to assess whether the team approach reduces incidents of child abuse. But in Cuyahoga County, Ohio, which instituted its program in 1994, Jim McCafferty, director of the county’s Department of Children and Family Services, credits team meetings with helping reduce the number of children in the system to 2,702 this month from 6,237 in 2001, when the county’s largest city, Cleveland, was rebounding from a crack epidemic. The number of children re-entering the system within 18 months dropped to 9 percent in 2004 from 16 percent in 1996.
Roxane White, manager of the Denver Department of Human Services, said that in addition to reducing out-of-home placements, team meetings had reduced incidents of new abuse to just over 2.6 percent from 6 percent in 2002.
But some advocates for children say the team system may be keeping children with parents when they would benefit more from foster care.
“The pendulum may have swung too much in the opposite direction,” said Cyndy Bailes, executive director of CASA of the Tennessee Heartland, part of a national group of court-appointed special advocates for children.
Ms. Bailes’s organization works in five counties in East Tennessee. She says her volunteers have complained that the team system there is poorly organized, that families do not cooperate and that participants have felt pressured by the Department of Children’s Services to support family reunification over foster care or termination of parental rights.
Some social workers disagree.
“I have really bought into it, because it is not so much about blaming, so there is less resentment all around,” said Ms. McCrary of Children’s Services.
Cheryl McGuire, the caseworker who leads Misty’s team, said the system relieved pressure on overworked case managers. Misty and her mother, Geraldine, have seen the change in the system, they said, from the inside out.
Geraldine took Misty in as a foster child when she was 5 weeks old. Geraldine, who tacked down beltloops in a garment factory, and her husband adopted Misty and her older brother, Chris, when they were 2 and 3 years old.
After Geraldine’s husband died in 1983, she was unable to cope. Misty and Chris went back into state care.
Now Misty’s four children are in the system. Of the three known fathers, only one has been tangentially involved. It was Geraldine who called Children’s Services in February, because Misty, she said, “was running wild.”
At 64, Geraldine said, she was too old to care for the children on her own.
“It scares me half to death to think that she might not get her kids back,” said Geraldine, who is now retired. “But at the time it was best for the children. I hoped it would straighten her out.”
Geraldine said the team approach offered families more support than in years past when decisions were made by a single caseworker.
“When I was a foster parent, they just dropped off the kids and came back once a month to make sure they were clothed and fed,” she said.
Misty, too, said the experience differed from her past memories.
“It ain’t the first time I’ve been in here,” she said, referring to the county office of the Department of Children’s Services. “But this way here, it’s helping me more. Helping me to get my kids back.”
Teams around the country adhere to tight timelines for determining permanent placements, typically within a year or two.
Placements with relatives are preferred, but sometimes so-called kinship placements are not with biological relatives, but with people whom the child considers family.
In Rutherford County, southeast of Nashville, a 13-year-old girl was recently placed in foster care after her mother’s suicide. She responded poorly, acting out and wetting her bed. She asked to be with her mother’s boyfriend’s mother, whom she called Granny. The girl’s participation in the team resulted in her adoption, last month, by her grandmother figure.
With no similar possibilities for Misty’s children, the stakes of her team’s decision are higher. By the one-year mark in February they must recommend reunification or make the children available for adoption.
The children are in a rare situation in which the foster parents, a stable family in a nearby town, have agreed to keep all four long term.
Misty and Geraldine are living on Geraldine’s $789-a-month Social Security check, plus food stamps. Where would the children sleep in the two-bedroom mobile home and could the women’s limited resources provide for them? asked Ms. McGuire, the team leader, in the hour-and-a-half meeting on Misty’s case.
“It don’t leave a lot of room for extras, but it can sustain us,” Geraldine said, adding that they would get extra food stamps with the children.
The discussion turned to the children.
Roberto has continuing problems with aggression. Domiann, one person suggested, had taken on a “dominant mother role” among the sibling group. Pedro, someone mentioned, might suffer from an attachment disorder. Ramon, participants observed, has been gorging during visits with his mother, a nervous behavior he does not engage in at his foster home.
Next, the group laid out goals for Misty to reach before February: She must have a psychological evaluation and continue training with social workers. She must stop associating with criminals.
After she and Geraldine left the room, the team members discussed the weight of the decision yet to come.
“The tough fact is that she may do everything we tell her to,” Ms. Kirby said. “She may work as hard as she can, and still not be able to get her children back.”

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For the past couple of days, I have been participating in a discussion on Bastardette Blog (Monday, December 11, 2006, MOTHER MAY I? GRANNIE ANNIE NAILS IT!).

It began with Marley G. and Granny (Anita) Annie maligning the hard working activist in NJ who have been working tirelessly for TWENTY-FIVE years to get an access to records bill passed in the Garden State. Both Marley and Granny resorted to name-calling and complained that accepting a bill with any restrictions to compromise the alleged rights of birthparents was equivalent to having to ask Mommy's permission to have what is rightly theirs.

I feel their anger and frustration but believe it is misplaced. They defame the adoptee activists when it is the legislators who tack on conditional amendments. More importantly, I have a great deal of problem understanding BN's mixed messages - as likely so too does the media, the public, and legislators.

BN's official position as an organization is "Dignity and Equal Rights for Adult Adoptees" stating "Bastard Nation advocates for the civil and human rights of adult citizens who were adopted as children. Millions of North Americans are prohibited by law from accessing personal records that pertain to their historical, genetic and legal identities. Such records are held by their governments in secret and without accountability, due solely to the fact that they were adopted."

What about the rights of underage adoptees (and their adoptive parents)...some of whom are in medical or serious emotional need? What about the rights of those who don't know they are adopted because unless their adoptive parents tel them, they may never know?

Despite all their allegations of desiring "human rights' for SOME adoptees, they continue to ask for "open records" not equal access. Why? They accept living a lie for a minimum of 18 years and then THEY ask: "Mommy, may I please" have access to my records as an adult, now that I have been a good, obedient adoptee for 18 years.

To be truly equal with non-adopted citizens they should have full access to the names of their parents at any age...whenever they are old enough to ask for it...or whatever age anyone else can obtain a copy of their own B.C.

To be truly EQUAL with non-adoptees is to never have your B.C. falsified to begin with! Anything less is a COMPROMISE and leaves adoptees UNEQUAL with laws and restriction that apply only to them. Isn't that what BN CLAIMS to be undoing????

One can only wonder if some adoptees - the powers that be in BN and others? - really do not want equality (despite claiming to). They seem to accept being infantilized and controlled by those who adopt them and in most cases afford them "advantages" that they are ever so thankful for. Perhaps their sense of indebtedness and gratitude for being "rescued" overwhelms their need for self-determination.

OR, perhaps they fear if the records are never falsified and held in protective custody until they are adults, that they would then lose a false sense of control over choosing to make contact or not when at 18 - they and ONLY they - get to peek at their long-held secrets truth. I understand and appreciate the major control issue of many adoptees who feel their lives were manipulated without their consent (as if any of us get to choose our parents or have any control over who they are). But the way to take back control is to put a stop to the lies and the over-protective nature of maintaining secrets.

Instead, they more than willingly acquiesce to the fact that opening Pandora's Box is so potentially dangerous it might harm anyone under a specific chronological age limit. Like drinking or driving, they seem to be saying, the truth takes maturity to handle.

And so THEY set up a major RESTRICTION on the equal human rights they claim to seek and then accuse others of doing it TO them!

Ironically...while this discussion was enfolding, several adoptee email lists are today forwarding the story of kidnapped child entitled "Selling abducted babies difficult in U.S." which states:

Human trafficking and adoption professionals say that there is an adoption black market for kidnapped infants such as Bryan Dos Santos Gomes, but it is very difficult to "sell" such babies in the U.S.

"There's not really a market in the U.S., but definitely in South and Central America," said Ashley Wilson, outreach coordinator for the Florida Coalition Against Human Trafficking in Bonita Springs. "There are markets for babies. It's just easier to go down there and buy a baby. Sometimes these babies even have counterfeit paperwork."


Imagine that! Sometimes babies that are stolen to be sold on the black market have counterfeit paperwork! How about every child adopted legally in this country?! They too all have COUNTERFEIT governmental fraudulent FALSIFIED birth certificates! And the very people who SHOULD be up in arms outraged at being treated as if they were unwittingly placed in the witness protection program, simply accept that it is OK.

Imagine slaves accepting remaining being owned, asking only to be freed as adults? Odd? Cowardly? Misguided?

I await Marley's promised reply.

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Beyond Abuse; It Was Torture

By Derek Sheppard, DSHEPPARD@KITSAPSUN.COM
August 29, 2006


As 8-year-old Christopher Forder lay on his bedroom floor, stricken with pneumonia, heavily bruised and nearing death, his father called a family meeting.

The Sunlink.com
Inside the family’s Seabeck-area home, the father, Robert, told his seven children they had a choice: They could bury their brother in the backyard, or call 911 and risk having the state snatch all of the children away because of Christopher’s obvious bruising.

Later that night, Nov. 24, 2002, the parents tried unsuccessfully to revive Christopher with CPR, and a son called 911.

The account of Christopher’s last moments is contained in court documents alleging that his mother, 44-year-old Kimberly Forder, abused and neglected her son to the point of death, never seeking outside medical help as his pneumonia grew worse.

Shortly after Christopher’s death, Kitsap County authorities grew suspicious, but for nearly four years, couldn’t get enough people to talk. There wasn’t enough cause to make an arrest — until now.

Forder is in Kitsap County jail, with her bail set at $1 million. She is charged in Kitsap County Superior Court with homicide by abuse and first-degree manslaughter. While court records reveal a disturbing pattern of abuse and a family suspicious of outside authority, the Forder Web site portrays a happy, religious family that moved to Africa to pursue Christian missionary work.

On Monday, clad in a red jail jumpsuit, her head hung low, Forder spoke softly. She pleaded innocent to the charges.

Kitsap County Sheriff Steve Boyer likened Christopher’s abuse to the pain suffered by prisoners of war.

"A young boy died at the hands of those whom society had entrusted with his care," Boyer said. "It went beyond abuse; it was torture."

During a Monday afternoon press conference, Boyer noted that there were some things authorities couldn’t address yet.

When asked if more charges could be coming, Boyer said it was "highly possible."

"The investigation continues as to other suspects," he said.

The night Christopher died, Detective Lori Blankenship walked into his bedroom where she saw a bruised and battered little boy partially covered with a blanket lying on the floor.

"It appeared to be a case of abuse," she said. "This is a case that has stuck with me all these years."

Dr. Emanuel Lacsina, the Kitsap County Coroner’s Office pathologist, determined that Christopher died of severe pneumonia, but he ruled the manner, which explains whether the death was natural or not, was "undetermined," leaving the case open.

At the time, the parents said the bruising was from "reactive detachment disorder," which caused Christopher to scratch and pick at his skin and throw himself into walls.

Blankenship said the family consulted a doctor who said the disorder was a possibility, but it was never diagnosed.

The Kitsap Sun was unable to contact family members on Monday.

Robert and seven of the couple’s children are now in Liberia, Africa, acting as Christian missionaries independent of an established church or aid organization. When they lived in Seabeck, they were believed to have home-schooled the kids. Kimberly was a stay-at-home mom and Robert was a journeyman painter.

The Forders have adopted eight children, including Christopher, and have three now-grown biological children.

The break in the case came after police began an investigation against one of their biological children.

Their son, Michael V. Forder, 23, is also in Kitsap County jail, charged with second-degree rape of an adult family member.

During the investigation of that case, detectives learned that the Forder parents had moved to Africa, though they don’t believe it was in order to flee prosecution.

Shortly thereafter, the sheriff’s office received a report from Children Protective Services in Oregon outlining allegations of abuse that preceded Christopher’s 2002 death. The allegations came from one of the family members. It’s the only known CPS report filed about the family.

Detectives then started interviewing some of the children.

Court documents outline conversations detectives had with three children that detail a pattern of abuse against the family, especially Christopher.

One child told detectives that Christopher was beaten an average of six times a day. It was alleged Kimberly Forder was the primary disciplinarian.

If he didn’t chew his food correctly, his mother would take away his food, sometimes for days at a time, documents allege.

The boy resorted to stealing scraps from a compost heap, and eating dog food.

If the boy soiled himself, he was forced to wear the dirty diaper, sometimes on his head.

If he didn’t wash his clothes correctly in a 5-gallon bucket, his parents were accused of dunking his head in the dirty water "until he stopped struggling," court documents said.

Christopher had been with the Forder family four years after his adoption. Daily beatings were the norm, family members alleged in court documents.

Michael Forder told detectives that his parents started treating the children better after Christopher’s death.

The alleged pattern of abuse comes in stark contrast to the cheerful, healthy picture of the family on the Forders’ Web log.

Many of the posts document the months before the family’s July 11 departure to serve as missionaries in Liberia. The couple sold their home, packed their belongings and moved with the seven youngest children to Liberia.

Children are smiling in the photographs, and the couple writes often about blessings from God.

"We hope to have a home, with a farm for children, and a school with a small medical clinic," they wrote.

When Kimberly returned from Africa to Oregon earlier this month to treat an infection, detectives went down to meet her. She voluntarily returned to Kitsap County, where she was booked into jail on Saturday.

The cheerful family picture online follows what authorities said appeared to be a healthy family to those on the outside.

When they lived here, if someone visited they would see "a perfect, happy family," Blankenship, the detective, said.

"They always seemed to be playing in good spirits over there," said neighbor Dennis Hughes. "I never heard any hard discipline going on."

Secrecy, Sheriff Boyer said, kept much of the abuse hidden, and detectives are still learning more and hope to hear from anyone who knows anything else.

"A young boy died needlessly and without much notice four years ago," he said. "As a community we didn’t know what went on in the Forder residence, until now."

Help Needed

Anyone with information about the Forder case is asked to call (360) 377-7101.

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On 12/10 I posted "An Opportunity to Educate"

Replies can be sent to:

This was mine:

Staff writer Michael Riley’s information on positive adoption language is skewed.

“Make an adoption plan, choose adoption, arrange an adoption, place a child in an adoptive home. These terms acknowledge that the birth parents were responsible for and active in making this decision.”

These terms may put a positive newspeak “spin” on adoption, thus increasing the “win-win” myth of adoption. The fact is, however, that no one gets pregnant with the intent to relinquish a child for adoption. It is not a “planned” or “chosen” event either for the relinquishing mother or, in most case, the adopting mother, either. For both it is more often a last resort. Calling otherwise does change the fact that every adoption begins with a tragedy: a mother who is unable to receive the financial, emotional, family and/or societal support she needs to keep her family intact.

While abandoned is totally inaccurate in the case of most adoptions, surrender and relinquish are not dirty words. They are the correct legal terms for what a mother does when she voluntarily consents tot he adoption of her child. She relinquishes or surrenders her parental rights. The papers she signs are relinquishment papers. It is a permanent irrevocable act.

While terms such as real or natural might be uncomfortable for adoptive parents, children always have a mother and father. They are THEN adopted into an adoptive family by adoptive parents parents. The prefix belongs to those substitute parents, no matter how real and everyday their role ,may be and no matter if they are th eonly parents the child ever knows and is bonded with emotionally, just as a step parents is always prefixed no matter how young the child is when he comes into their lives.

People use terms in their lives that are comfortable for them. Many people have very loving relationships with a step parent and have never known their original parent. They may well call that person Mom, Dad or mother, father. But they know that the actual relationship to them is a step parent. That does not diminish their love, affection or the closeness of that relationship in any way.

The truth is the truth. A rose by any other name is still a rose, but calling a radish a rose does not make it so.

# posted by Senior Mom @ 9:05 PM 0 comments

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Ann Fessler's "The Girls Who Went Away" has been chosen as one of Top 10 Picks for Non-fiction books of 2006 by amazon.com!

http://tinyurl.com/yx2h5v

(scroll through entire link of top 10 books)

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Positive terms to use when talking about adoption
Posted by the Asbury Park Press on 12/10/06

BY MICHAEL RILEY
STAFF WRITER

The language of adoption has changed — or, at least, people involved in the adoption process are hoping it will change.

The people at Adoptions From The Heart are working hard at it: They hand out sheets of paper titled "Positive Adoption Language" to educate people on the do's and don't's of how to talk about it. What follows are excerpts from their literature.

Use terms such as:

Birth mother, birth father, birth family, birth parent, birth child.

Remember that all of us have birth parents, but not all of us live with them.

Parent, mother, father, mommy, daddy and child.

These words describe members of the adoptive family. It isn't necessary to say adopted child or adoptive parents unless the situation specifically centers on adoption.

Make an adoption plan, choose adoption, arrange an adoption, place a child in an adoptive home.

These terms acknowledge that the birth parents were responsible for and active in making this decision.

Parent her child.

This phrase is used to express when a birth parent decides not to choose adoption.

Avoid terms such as:

Abandoned, surrendered, released, relinquished, gave up for adoption, gave away, adopted out or put up for adoption.

Real parent, real mother, real father and real family.

When used to describe the birth family, these terms suggest that the adoptive family relationships are artificial and temporary.

Natural parents, natural child, one of your own.

These terms imply that the relationships in an adoptive family are not as strong or lasting as the relationships created by birth.

LETTER TO THE EDITOR SHOULD BE SENT TO: yourviews@app.com

The STORK MARKET:
America’s Multi-Billion Dollar Unregulated Adoption Industry
by Mirah Riben
Foreword by Evelyn Robinson


Projected Release Date: Feb 15, 2007

ORDER YOURS NOW!

www.AdvocatePublications.com

Stork mar·ket. (stôrk märkt) n. 1. an in-depth exposé of the corruption in the adoption industry; the fine line between black and gray market adoption; scams, coercion and exploitation. 2. an in-depth report on the international market where children are the commodity being bought and sold to the highest bidders including pedophiles with prices based on quality (i.e. age, skin color) of the merchandise and set as high as ‘desperate’ consumers continue to be willing to pay. 3. an examination of the myths of adoption that put the needs of adults, and those who profit from their desperation, before the needs of children who need homes. 4. an extensively researched and documented book that asks if adoption can be fixed—the money aspect removed and government controls and regulations put in place—or abolished in favor of permanent guardianship, or informal adoption sans the issuance of falsified birth certificates. 5. goes further than Riben’s groundbreaking, award-winning “shedding light on…The Dark Side of Adoption” (1988) which was excerpted in Social Issues Review Series, Utne Reader and Microcosm USA. 7. reveals, for the first time in print, Riben’s role in the notorious Joel Steinberg murder case.

__________________________________________________

“Riben has done it again. Once again, as in Dark Side, she has pulled back the covers and exposed the unpleasant truths and problems that need to be addressed in American adoption practices. While difficult, when we remove the rose-colored glasses many view adoption through, the conclusions that Riben comes to are inarguable. Most impressive on every count….well researched and thought out.” Annette Baran, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., co-author The Adoption Triangle

Mirah Riben writes that she refuses to give up. This book—a wonderful and well-integrated mix of approaches—part analysis, part case studies from the front lines, part handbook, part up-to-date law and policy review—is a testament to Riben's powerful and enduring commitment to the rights and needs of vulnerable women and their children. Riben's book is a clear, bright blueprint for change. Rickie Solinger, historian and author of Pregnancy and Power: A Short History of Reproductive Politics in America


“Combines the historical and legal perspective with really hard hitting journalism.” Maureen Flatley, political consultant and media advisor specializing in child welfare and adoption

ISBN: 1-4276-0895-4 Library of Congress Control Number: 2006939682
Cover by: Tony Caruso

...

By DAVID EGGERT, Associated Press Writer Tue Nov 28, 11:27 AM ET

http://news. yahoo.com/ s/ap/20061128/ ap_on_re_ us/boy_slain

LANSING, Mich. - A woman who hit her 7-year-old adopted son on the head with a hammer and didn't seek help while the boy slowly died was sentenced Tuesday to life in prison without possibility of parole.

Lisa Holland, 33, was convicted in October of first-degree murder, and the sentence was mandatory.

Ingham County Circuit Judge Paula Manderfield choked back tears — as she did earlier this month when sentencing Holland's husband, Tim Holland, to 30 to 60 years in prison for his role in the death of Ricky.

"Basically you buried your dog, but you threw away your child," Manderfield told Lisa Holland, citing trial testimony.

The case led to ongoing scrutiny of the state's child protection system and whether workers did enough to protect Ricky and his siblings.

The Hollands initially claimed Ricky had run away from home in July 2005, sparking a nine-day search by 1,700 volunteers and hundreds of law enforcement officers.

In January, Tim Holland led police to the body in a rural area and admitted dumping his son's remains. He told authorities his wife hit Ricky in the head with a hammer while he was away from home.

Holland said nothing as she was sentenced. "Lisa Holland is going to be punished, the jury has spoken. Lisa Holland wishes to maintain her silence," said Mike Nichols, one of her attorneys.

Tim Holland testified that his wife had abused the boy for years, restraining him with ropes in the basement. He said the boy was listless and unable to walk in the last week of his life — not eating, drinking, walking or talking and smelling like urine.

The Hollands became Ricky's foster parents in 2000 and adopted him in 2003. They also adopted Ricky's three younger siblings and had a child of their own.

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Mother gets life for adopted son's death

By DAVID EGGERT,



LANSING, Mich. - A woman who hit her 7-year-old adopted son on the head with a hammer and didn't seek help while the boy slowly died was sentenced Tuesday to life in prison without possibility of parole.

Lisa Holland, 33, was convicted in October of first-degree murder, and the sentence was mandatory.

Ingham County Circuit Judge Paula Manderfield choked back tears — as she did earlier this month when sentencing Holland's husband, Tim Holland, to 30 to 60 years in prison for his role in the death of Ricky.

"Basically you buried your dog, but you threw away your child," Manderfield told Lisa Holland, citing trial testimony.

The case led to ongoing scrutiny of the state's child protection system and whether workers did enough to protect Ricky and his siblings.

The Hollands initially claimed Ricky had run away from home in July 2005, sparking a nine-day search by 1,700 volunteers and hundreds of law enforcement officers.

In January, Tim Holland led police to the body in a rural area and admitted dumping his son's remains. He told authorities his wife hit Ricky in the head with a hammer while he was away from home.

Holland said nothing as she was sentenced. "Lisa Holland is going to be punished, the jury has spoken. Lisa Holland wishes to maintain her silence," said Mike Nichols, one of her attorneys.

Tim Holland testified that his wife had abused the boy for years, restraining him with ropes in the basement. He said the boy was listless and unable to walk in the last week of his life — not eating, drinking, walking or talking and smelling like urine.

The Hollands became Ricky's foster parents in 2000 and adopted him in 2003. They also adopted Ricky's three younger siblings and had a child of their own.
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Ricky's mother's only crime was being poor. She never abused the kids that they Hollands were PAID to care for!